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Official Joke Thread


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#586 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 29, 2013 - 04:28 PM

 Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).


 The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.


 However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.
 

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion
 leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration.

 

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".


 

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#587 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 01, 2013 - 08:19 AM

Gone fishing??

A Newfoundland man was stopped by a game warden in St. John's recently with two
ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

" Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while.
Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you.
It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We here in Newfoundland may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.

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#588 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 01, 2013 - 09:15 AM

Two lifelong friends, a game warden & a poacher, decide to go on a fishing trip. They make a bet on who's gonna catch the most fish & the loser pays for the entire week's stay...First morning they're out in the fully loaded boat, with tackle boxes, coolers, poles & nets & the game warden is pulling in lakers left & right. The poacher is just relaxing, enjoying the sun, puffing on a cigar & sipping a brewski. A couple hours go by & the game warden has filled the live wells & a couple of stringers & the poacher hasn't even rigged his poles. The game warden finally says: "What are you doin? I've caught dozens of fish & you're not even tryin! Are you just gonna forfeit the bet & foot the bill?" The poacher looks at him & says: "OK. I gave you a head start. My turn." He reaches in his tackle box, takes out a hand grenade, pulls the pin & tosses the grenade overboard. "BOOM!" Stunned fish start floating to the surface, & the poacher starts netting them & bringing them on board...The game warden is aghast. "Are you kidding me?" he asks. "You're gonna poach right in front of me? I'm an officer of the law & I should run your sorry a$$ into the jail right now! I can't believe you'd do that!" The poacher continues to pull in fish. The game warden is getting furious. "Didn't you hear me! You're poaching & I'm gonna throw you in jail, you idiot!" The poacher looks at him for a couple of seconds, reaches in the tackle box & takes out another grenade. He pulls the pin, drops it in the lake & tosses the grenade to the game warden. He says "Are you gonna keep talking all day or are you gonna fish?"


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#589 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 01, 2013 - 09:13 PM

That's funny right there... ^^^



#590 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2013 - 03:20 PM

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my hoo hoo', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...



Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
 


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#591 HDWildBill OFFLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2013 - 04:54 PM

Where the Human Race came from:

 

A little girl asked her mother,  "How did the human race start?"   

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so all mankind was made."
 
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
 
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" 
The mother answered, "Well dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

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#592 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted April 04, 2013 - 05:50 PM

Heh Heh..

 

Electric Avenue.JPG


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#593 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 04, 2013 - 08:42 PM

Oh great, now I have that song in my head....

 

For you younger folks...


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#594 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted April 04, 2013 - 08:58 PM

Oh great, now I have that song in my head....

The least I could do is share that thing as I've been hearing that dang song in my head all afternoon too!!   :wallbanging: 



#595 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted April 05, 2013 - 03:05 PM

ABC's of Aging

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned Beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention--
and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my
Memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights,
counting fears on how to pay my medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
and the word 'terminal' also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet unfound
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one, I'm still alive).
Z is for zest
For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.


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#596 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted April 05, 2013 - 04:30 PM

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically
and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who
is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

 

:rolling:  :rolling:  :rolling: 


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#597 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted April 05, 2013 - 05:39 PM

Oh great, now I have that song in my head....

 

For you younger folks...

You surely must mean younger than me!


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#598 MH81 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 06, 2013 - 07:28 AM

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. Concerned, she tells the vet "I think it's got epilepsy".
The vet takes a good look and says, "Your goldfish seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of it's bowl yet."
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#599 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2013 - 03:20 PM

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant..

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,

Which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the I.R.S ____________
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#600 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 11, 2013 - 08:07 AM

Never fear, Chuck is here.

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