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Official Joke Thread


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#46 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted August 15, 2011 - 11:43 AM

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished looking man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take full responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.................... "You gonna try again."



#47 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted August 15, 2011 - 03:47 PM

RE: Cell phones and GPS--

LOL!! I have a ham radio license, though I'm not very active in it at the moment... anyway, I saw a segment of Jay Leno where two ham's using Morse Code were put up against a couple 20 something's texting a sentence. The ham's beat the texters by a comfortable margin.

U S

#48 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted August 15, 2011 - 03:54 PM

The C.I.A. was taking applications. After going through the thousands they received, they got it narrowed down to 3 applicants who where told to come in with their wives for an interview.

The first applicant and his wife were called in for an interview. After some rather routine questions, the wife was asked to wait in the next room. The personnel director opened a desk drawer and pulled out a snub nosed .38. He told the applicant to follow his wife into the room next door and shoot her. He declined telling the agent he couldn't do that, he loved his wife. He was then promptly told he was not C.I.A. material.

The second applicant and his wife went through the same interview, and his wife was told to wait in the next room. Again, the snub nose was pulled from the desk and he was told to go shoot his wife. He picked up the revolver, walked over to the door, hung his head and returned to the desk. I can't shoot my wife, I love her he told the agent. Again, he was not C.I.A. material.

Applicant number three and his wife went through the interview, after, his wife was told to wait in the next room. The revolver again was brought out and he was told to go shoot his wife. He grabbed the gun, walked to the door and went through closing the door behind him. BANG!! The agents nodded to each other. BANG, BANG!! BANG BANG BANG!!! Then silence. The agents shook hands with each other. All of a sudden they heard the most terrible screams, banging and the sound of furniture breaking in the next room. Quickly, they ran to the door and went in to see the man standing over his dead, battered wife. "What the hell happened!!!" they asked him. Applicant three told them, "some jerk put blanks in the gun, I had to choke her!"


LOL!! The first time I heard the joke, it was the wife with the gun, and had to beat her husband to death with the chair...

U S

PS Where in Butler County are you from? My dad's family moved to that area of Pennsylvania back in the late 1700s when they came over from Germany.

#49 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted August 15, 2011 - 04:48 PM

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished looking man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take full responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.................... "You gonna try again."


That is just plain wrong but I laughed anyway My daughter is married but if she wern't - aw heck a joke is a joke :D

#50 tinner OFFLINE  

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Posted August 25, 2011 - 04:20 PM

President Obama has taken time from his busy golf vacation to confirm that the highly unusual earthquake that shook the East Coast and shut down much of the government yesterday occurred on a little known fault line identified as "Bush's Fault"!
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#51 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted August 25, 2011 - 06:17 PM

President Obama has taken time from his busy golf vacation to confirm that the highly unusual earthquake that shook the East Coast and shut down much of the government yesterday occurred on a little known fault line identified as "Bush's Fault"!


:bigrofl: :bigrofl: :thumbs:

#52 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted August 25, 2011 - 06:19 PM

Sign seen in the back window of a truck today...

How's that "hopey-changey" thing workin' for you?


Edited by MH81, August 26, 2011 - 06:20 AM.


#53 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted August 25, 2011 - 10:39 PM

Well, I HOPE things will CHANGE in 2012...

U S

#54 KennyP OFFLINE  

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Posted September 01, 2011 - 05:01 PM

Why don't blondes (including Casey) make chocolate chip cookies?





Takes too long to peel the M&M's.
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#55 grand OFFLINE  

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Posted September 01, 2011 - 09:03 PM

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The Bartender was crushed to death.
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#56 Tmo OFFLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2011 - 11:06 AM

Church Bulletin Bloopers

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping. Bring your husbands.

---------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of the older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m.. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet, in the Church basement, Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

-----------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

You really can’t make this stuff up!

Amen Trivia


An expression used at the end of prayers, and meaning, So be it.

At the end of a creed, it is a solemn asseveration of belief.

When it introduces a declaration, it is equivalent to truly, verily.

And let all the people say, Amen.

-From the Webster Dictionary online
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#57 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2011 - 03:56 PM

Thanks TMO! I really needed that! I almost wet myself!

#58 drbish OFFLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2011 - 04:26 PM

After sunday service,the preacher was out greeting all the members ,when a young boy came up to the preacher and told him when i get older i am going to give you some money.The preacher said that is awful nice of you but why?the little boy said cause daddy said you are the poorest preacher we ever had
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#59 Big John OFFLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2011 - 09:02 PM

I saw a woman the other day wearing extremely tight pants. How did I know they were tight U ask? She put a dime in the pocket & I could tell if it was heads or tails.

#60 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted September 08, 2011 - 05:42 AM

We should be good to go now :thumbs:

I guess Some people have no life :wallbanging:



Brian is earning his "pay" this morning.:D




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