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Official Joke Thread


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#571 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted March 13, 2013 - 12:25 PM

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking, and the parrot said, "Yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar was amused, and asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'."


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#572 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted March 13, 2013 - 12:26 PM

My dog just ran through the screen door...



...looks like he strained himself.


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#573 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted March 13, 2013 - 12:31 PM

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


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#574 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted March 18, 2013 - 11:43 AM

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer and connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.


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#575 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted March 18, 2013 - 03:39 PM

562093_503169559720878_1510763443_n.jpg


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#576 grnspot110 ONLINE  

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Posted March 19, 2013 - 11:42 AM

The story of Clarence!

 

​Clarence was a farmer, he had a small farm next to the river with his wife.  His livestock did well, his crops were good, he loved his beautiful wife, .  His world was great, --- except for one thing --- BUBBA!  

 

Now, Bubba lived across the wide, deep river from Clarence and for some unknown reason, he hated Clarence.  Bubba would go down to the river's edge every day & holler at Clarence; I hate you Clarence, if I could get across this river, I'd come over there & beat the tar out of you!!!  This went on for months, then, one day the government decided to build a bridge nearby.  As Government projects do, it took a long time to complete the bridge, so every day Bubba would got to the river's edge & scream at Clarence; I hate you & if I could get to you, I'd beat you up!!!

 

Well, the day finally came, the bridge was finished, Bubba made his daily trip to the river to yell at Clarence.  When he returned home, his wife, who was really tired of his ranting about Clarence, told him "if you hate him that much, go across the new bridge & carry out your threat".  Bubba thought about it a while & said "I'm going"!

 

Bubba returned home shortly, white as a sheet & in a cold sweat!  His wife asked him "what happened", he replied (shakily)  "I started across that new bridge & saw this sign that said Clearence 11FEET 6 INCHES, I sure didn't know he was that big!!!!!


Edited by grnspot110, March 19, 2013 - 11:43 AM.

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#577 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted March 19, 2013 - 07:28 PM

Here ya go:

 

CLICK HERE!


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#578 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted March 20, 2013 - 02:51 PM

527618_441212359292689_1205452052_n.jpg


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#579 Michiganmobileman OFFLINE  

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Posted March 21, 2013 - 07:20 PM

527618_441212359292689_1205452052_n.jpg

 

Seek medical attention if it lasts more than four hours. :smilewink:  :smilewink:


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#580 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted March 22, 2013 - 07:30 AM

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to
do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that
I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.


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#581 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted March 22, 2013 - 08:27 PM


Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

You could put a different spin on that to be more oriented toward us too.

Boat  GT wouldn't start,can't figure it out. :rolling:


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#582 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 22, 2013 - 10:37 PM

Tractor, car, truck,  any one could be used  LOL.


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#583 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted March 27, 2013 - 08:44 AM

Bob & the blond

Bob walked into a bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money..
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again.

Bob took the money.

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#584 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted March 29, 2013 - 07:20 AM

2 cannibals are eating a clown. 1 says "hey, this taste funny to you"?



#585 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted March 29, 2013 - 10:48 AM

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because they have big fingers.


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