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Official Joke Thread


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#556 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 26, 2013 - 03:18 PM

What are they teaching kids in school these days?

VBEH.jpg

Oh my..... That's only a school in the next county over. Maybe I'll just stay here.


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#557 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 28, 2013 - 09:01 AM

Yesterday at work I was exposed to raw sewage, lead, and potentially hantavirus and asbestos.

 

And that was just in my office. :wallbanging: :D :smilewink:


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#558 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2013 - 09:30 AM


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
.
.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
.
.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 


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#559 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2013 - 06:05 PM

church_exposed.jpg

 

Thought this one was fun for a Sunday posting :-)


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#560 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted March 04, 2013 - 10:05 PM

 

 

 

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's


then get a dog.
 
dog1.jpg

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...

 


then get a dog.
 
dog2.jpg
 
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

...then get a dog.
 
dog3.jpg
 
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

...then get a dog !
 
dog4.jpg

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..

...then get a dog.
 
dog5.jpg

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ....

 


 
 
.
.
.catinchair.gif
.

...then get a cat!



You...
 
dog6.jpg

.....have a GREAT Day!!!
Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

 


We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

=


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#561 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted March 05, 2013 - 11:19 AM

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

 

 


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#562 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted March 08, 2013 - 02:08 AM

imagesCAHSUB97.jpg



#563 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted March 08, 2013 - 02:16 AM

imagesCALL3F7U.jpg



#564 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted March 08, 2013 - 02:23 AM

imagesCAY7436B.jpg


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#565 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted March 09, 2013 - 05:21 PM

 MAN RULES


AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.) 

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE 
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE 

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: 

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS. 

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY. 

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH... 

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!


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#566 Sam OFFLINE  

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Posted March 10, 2013 - 04:52 PM

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests...
 


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#567 Sam OFFLINE  

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Posted March 10, 2013 - 04:58 PM

The "5" Symptoms of Laziness

1.


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#568 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 10, 2013 - 08:59 PM

The "5" Symptoms of Laziness

1.

LMAO !



#569 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted March 10, 2013 - 09:48 PM

Here ya's go!!  

 

http://oopsmile.com/...Life+is+a+bitch



#570 New.Canadian.DB.Owner OFFLINE  

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Posted March 12, 2013 - 02:37 PM

This fellow from a small town wins free tickets to the big city to watch a game at their fancy stadium.  On the day of the big game, he decides to treat himself to the works.  He buys a couple dogs, some nachos, and a large beer then finds his seat.  He sets the nachos in his lap, the dogs on his right and the beer on his left.  Seconds later he hears "Hey, Bob!" so he pick picks up his dogs and nachos and gingerly balances his beer as he stands up to look behind him.   He doesn't see anyone he recognizes  so he turns & settles himself back in his seat, nachos in his lap, the dogs on his right and the beer on his left.  As his goes to take is first bite of a stadium dog, he hears "Hey, Bob.  It's me Tim from your hometown."  So he pick picks up his dogs and nachos and gingerly balances his beer as he stands up to look behind him again.  He stands there looking intently, but recognizes no one!  So he turns & settles himself back into his seat, nachos in his lap, the dogs on his right and the beer on his left.  He gets through a mouthful of nachos when he hears "Hey, Bob.  It's me Tim. We went to school together."  So he pick picks up his dogs and nachos and gingerly balances his beer as he stands up and yells "My names not Bob!"






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