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Official Joke Thread


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#541 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2013 - 11:05 AM

A husband takes his wife to a disco.  There's a guy on the dance floor whooping it up - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works. ecstatic-cat-jumping-smiley-emoticon.gif

 

 

His wife turns to her husband and says--->   "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." :(

 


The husband says--->   "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!happy-dance-smiley-emoticon.gif


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#542 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2013 - 11:06 AM

208272_10151428141072288_1775041394_n.jp


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#543 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2013 - 03:05 PM

The

Darwin Awards

are out!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards

are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1.

When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim

during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber

James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.

He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked.

And now,

the honorable mentions:

2.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine

and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger..

The chef's claim was approved.

3.

A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.

Understandably, he shot her.

4.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver

found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting

from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a

free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling

the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre

fantasies..

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head

wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close

he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,

and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man

pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk

promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,

leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got

from the drawer... $15, which begs the question:

If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7.

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that

he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some

booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head

at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief

on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made

of Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A..M., flashed a gun, and

demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't

open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered

onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast...

The man, frustrated, walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked

on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he

bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man

curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman

said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged

his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The

owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was

the best laugh he'd ever had.

*** Remember ***

They walk among us, and they reproduce. :D :D

 
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#544 drbish OFFLINE  

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Posted January 29, 2013 - 04:56 AM

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.


Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"


Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"


So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.


Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!


The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"


Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"


Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"


Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."


Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."


Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"


Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"


Ole stopped to think. "No "


"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa
 

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#545 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 03, 2013 - 09:31 AM

:wallbanging:  :wallbanging:  :wallbanging:  :wallbanging:

 

542500_374086815986136_443154451_n.jpeg


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#546 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 03, 2013 - 09:35 AM

:thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs:

 

423085_424017994350750_1820434706_n.jpg


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#547 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted February 07, 2013 - 10:21 AM

Methane Gas

imagesCA33A5P0.jpg

 

imagesCAEI9KFF.jpg



#548 Bipitybopityboo OFFLINE  

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Posted February 14, 2013 - 08:29 PM

Barka.jpg

 

 

It's called a Barka.


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#549 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 16, 2013 - 03:50 PM

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3  6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?



Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No

Man: So where's your dang Ferrari?


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#550 backwoods OFFLINE  

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Posted February 18, 2013 - 08:30 AM

not a joke but i thought it was funny

560061_406505289433733_1411241380_n.jpg


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#551 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2013 - 10:44 PM

Not really a joke but....



At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General
Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If
General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:


  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
    buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
    would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
    windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
    you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
    your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
    have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
    reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
    run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
    be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning
    light.
  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
    deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
    and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
    handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn
    to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
    the same manner as the old car.
  10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine
    off.

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#552 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted February 25, 2013 - 12:22 AM

Always make safety a priority in everything you do:

notsosmart.jpg



#553 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 25, 2013 - 12:56 PM

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."



Making a mental note to complain to Roanoke Times about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.



When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.



I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.



They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.


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#554 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted February 25, 2013 - 10:23 PM

Reflection fail

 

What are they teaching kids in school these days?


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#555 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 26, 2013 - 07:11 AM

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me
to the principal's office. . . . I told him what happened, and he
laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now?


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