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Official Joke Thread


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#526 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2013 - 10:22 PM

^^^ That one got me- Good one, thanks . :D



#527 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2013 - 05:55 PM

This made me laugh!!  CLICK HERE


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#528 Guest_rat88_*

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Posted January 17, 2013 - 07:12 PM

I have seen that before, I think it was on SNL way back in the 90's



#529 Michiganmobileman OFFLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2013 - 08:49 PM

OK guys here is the answer to a life long question that we have all wondered about at one time or another  :dancingbanana:  :dancingbanana:

 

The dogs once held a meeting,
 
They came from near and far.
 
Some came by boats and planes,
 
Others came by car.
 
Before each dog could register
 
His name upon the book.
 
He had to take his butt off
 
And hang it on a hook.
 
And as they sat there in a group,
 
Each mother's son and sire,
 
Some dirty little yellow cus
 
Jumped up and hollered, "Fire!"
 
And as they rushed out in a group,
 
They had no time to look,
 
And every dog at random
 
Grabbed a butt off a hook.
 
And that is why to this very day,
 
A dog will leave a juicy bone,
 
To smell and sniff another dog's butt
 
In desperate hopes of finding his own.
 
MYSTERY SOLVED!!!

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#530 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2013 - 10:06 PM

tumblr_ly4r1gR2xo1qjmb1yo1_500.jpg

 

untitled tv1.png

 

 

imagesCAEM4CHP.jpg


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#531 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 19, 2013 - 05:51 AM

NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT
 
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

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#532 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 19, 2013 - 05:54 AM

New exam for the elderly !!!And others !!!

 This test will keep that dreaded disease that effects your memory at bay!
 New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

        1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

        2) Which country makes Panama hats?

        3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

        4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

        5) What is a camel hair brush made of?

        6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

        7) What was King George VI's first name?

        8) What colour is a purple finch?

        9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

        10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....


 


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
        1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

        2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

        3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

        4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November

        5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

        6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

        7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

        8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

        9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

        10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

        What do you mean, you failed?

        Me, too!

        (And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!) :D


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#533 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 19, 2013 - 07:36 AM

Here's a morning giggle for ya's:  CLICK HERE



#534 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 20, 2013 - 08:21 AM

SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR..

 

Here we go:

 

Some are bad--> you've been warned!!sorry1.gif smiley-confused013.gif




• I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest hoo hoo she had ever laid her hands on.I said, "You're pulling my leg." 


• I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor. She only had $1.20 in her purse. 


• My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


• Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists? 


• A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in awheel chair.”


• I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening". 



• The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back. 


• At the Senior Citizens Center, they had a contest the other day. I lost by two points. One of the questions I missed was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa. 


• A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.


• You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.


• A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a mustache."


• Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No! It's normal people porn, you sick bastard! 

• The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, January 20, 2013 - 08:21 AM.

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#535 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 20, 2013 - 08:23 AM

And another one:  

 

So...  The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, so she told me: "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection."


You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!......almost got me killed!00000060.gifhide.gif hide.gif hide.gif


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#536 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 21, 2013 - 06:27 AM

The Mad Scientist

 

Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?
No, what about him?
Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in! :( :D



#537 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted January 21, 2013 - 04:43 PM

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes, I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."


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#538 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 22, 2013 - 05:09 PM

A man was granted an audience with God. He was given one wish to be filled by the Lord and he thought long and hard on this.
 
The man had been afraid of flying and always wanted to visit Hawaii so he requested that a bridge be built from California to Hawaii so he and many others could drive there. God replied that this was not possible, that the forces of nature and physics that he had created would not allow such a bridge. The ocean currents, the shifting of the tectonic plates, the depth of the ocean floor and many other factors would make such a bridge impossible. The man had to choose something else.
 
So he thought about it and finally said to God "I would like to know everything about women, what they think, how they feel, what makes them act the way they do"
 
God was silent for a moment and then replied "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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#539 KennyP OFFLINE  

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Posted January 22, 2013 - 05:31 PM

That's a good one!



#540 mjodrey ONLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2013 - 05:00 AM

Yes,I agree,a good one.






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