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Official Joke Thread


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#511 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted January 11, 2013 - 05:00 PM


 
 

 
And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn't you - I know you did!
You're grinning . . . aren't you!

Right on both. LOL.



#512 drbish ONLINE  

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Posted January 11, 2013 - 06:29 PM

I got gas the other day for a $1.79 Boy them tacos were good


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#513 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 12, 2013 - 01:45 PM

:loosing_it:  :loosing_it:  :loosing_it:  :loosing_it:

 

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#514 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 12, 2013 - 07:35 PM

Oh, so many ways to go wrong with this ^^^ LOL


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#515 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted January 13, 2013 - 02:48 AM

What do you give a old farmer that has everything?

 

imagesCA2Q5D84.jpg


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#516 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted January 13, 2013 - 02:50 AM

imagesCA1PCJHF.jpg


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#517 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted January 13, 2013 - 02:52 AM

funny-animals-fat-cat-091.jpg



#518 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 13, 2013 - 02:24 PM

Generous lawyer

 

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


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#519 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted January 14, 2013 - 07:28 AM

Honey I'm home!

 

imagesCANKUWYU.jpg


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#520 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2013 - 04:36 AM

WHY ENGLISH IS SO HARD TO LEARN!!   :wallbanging:   :wallbanging:

 

305549_390347497717800_2069222119_n.jpg


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#521 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2013 - 12:20 PM


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts
the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but
the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms
around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to
its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great
fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


And you thought all they did was say Hello.
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#522 drbish ONLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2013 - 06:16 PM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"


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#523 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2013 - 02:48 AM

imagesCAPWXCT7.jpg


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#524 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2013 - 02:54 AM

imagesCAW4MTEG.jpg

 

Last nights guest was:

 

image-4-for-three-year-old-chinese-boy-weighs-9st-gallery-701998926.jpg



#525 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2013 - 11:11 AM

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don 't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don 't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

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