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Official Joke Thread


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#496 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2013 - 03:50 PM

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR  BADGE!"


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#497 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 08, 2013 - 09:47 AM

These are not jokes,but wasn't sure where else to put them.

 

The 5 Riddles...

 THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.
 IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN
 AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ..

 

 

 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. 
 The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins 
 with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
 Which room is safest for him?

 

 

 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 
 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go 
 out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

 

 

 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when 
 you throw it away ?

 

 

 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words 
 Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

 

 

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly 
 you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and 
 plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing 
 is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think 
 about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at 
 it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

 

 

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW.

 

Answers:

 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
 That one was easy, right?

 

 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, 
 developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

 

 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

 

 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and 
 tomorrow!

 5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English 
 language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.


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#498 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 08, 2013 - 03:06 PM

LMAO don't shoot the messenger ... :wave: 

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C) 
Californians shiver uncontrollably. 
Canadians plant gardens. 

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) 
Italian Cars won't start 
Canadians drive with the windows down 

32 Fahrenheit (0 C) 
American water freezes 
Canadian water gets thicker. 

0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C) 
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. 
Canadians have the last cookout of the season. 

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) 
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. 
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. 

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) 
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. 
Canadians pull down their earflaps. 

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) 
Ethyl alcohol freezes. 
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg 

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C) 
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. 
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" 

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) 
Hell freezes over. 
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup


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#499 tinner OFFLINE  

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Posted January 08, 2013 - 07:38 PM

Put us Texas boys right up there at about 60 Fahrenheit.



#500 tinner OFFLINE  

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Posted January 08, 2013 - 07:39 PM

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. 

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. 

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. 

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat". 

Tim gets this horrified look on his face. 


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#501 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 09, 2013 - 05:26 AM

LMAO don't shoot the messenger ... :wave: 

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C) 
Californians shiver uncontrollably. 
Canadians plant gardens. 

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) 
Italian Cars won't start 
Canadians drive with the windows down 

32 Fahrenheit (0 C) 
American water freezes 
Canadian water gets thicker. 

0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C) 
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. 
Canadians have the last cookout of the season. 

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) 
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. 
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. 

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) 
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. 
Canadians pull down their earflaps. 

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) 
Ethyl alcohol freezes. 
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg 

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C) 
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. 
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" 

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) 
Hell freezes over. 
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

 

 

 

Good ones.

 

Oh and by the way,ha ha ha !!! :D :D :D :D


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#502 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 09, 2013 - 05:42 AM

Some picture puns.Just click on the top photo.

 

May-07-2012-18-09-41-memes.jpg


Edited by mjodrey, January 09, 2013 - 05:45 AM.

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#503 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 09, 2013 - 09:21 AM

The Polish Pickle Slicer..

 

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his hoo hoo in the pickle slicer.


Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist...

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha , became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened??

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his hoo hoo in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. 

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact hoo hoo.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand... 

What about the pickle slicer?" 

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."smiley-confused013.gif :(


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#504 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 09, 2013 - 12:40 PM

Some picture puns.Just click on the top photo.

Some were predictable, some made me ROFL  

Thanks Maynard.


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#505 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted January 09, 2013 - 07:56 PM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.


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#506 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 10, 2013 - 06:02 AM

Paraprosdokians-  figures of speech in which
the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
frequently humorous.



1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.



2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.



3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.



4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.



5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.



6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.



7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.



8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.



9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.



10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.



11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.



13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..



14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.



15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.



16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.



17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for
me to find one now.


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#507 drbish ONLINE  

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Posted January 11, 2013 - 07:46 AM

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.


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#508 HowardsMF155 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 11, 2013 - 10:35 AM

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.

Oh so sad......   :(



#509 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted January 11, 2013 - 12:00 PM

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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#510 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 11, 2013 - 03:11 PM

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says . . .

"Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double-smoked bacon . . . every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath . . .

"Pepe . . . Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis, mi amigo . . . what ees it?"

"Pepe . . . ees not a bacon tree. Ees . . .



Ees . . .

Ees . . .



Ees . . .

Ees . . .


Ees . . .




Ees . . . a ham bush . . ."
 

SORRY.
I know there's something wrong with me for sending you this.
Just couldn't help it!
Little voices made me do it !!!
And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn't you - I know you did!
You're grinning . . . aren't you!

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