Official Joke Thread
Posted December 22, 2012 - 06:41 AM
- caseguy, Sparky and WNYTractorTinkerer have said thanks
Posted December 22, 2012 - 06:47 AM
- Sparky, tractorgarden, LTD and 1 other said thanks
Posted December 23, 2012 - 05:33 AM
Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.
The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"
The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
- Sparky, KennyP, JDGuy445 and 1 other said thanks
Posted December 23, 2012 - 05:35 AM
A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."
- Sparky, KennyP and zam have said thanks
Posted December 23, 2012 - 05:37 AM
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear"?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
- caseguy, KennyP, tractorgarden and 2 others have said thanks
Posted December 23, 2012 - 05:41 AM
Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.
One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."
Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.
The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.
"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"
If you need a hint, that's instinct.
- Sparky, KennyP, Toolpartzman and 1 other said thanks
Posted December 24, 2012 - 05:12 AM
One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your butt".
- Toolpartzman and zam have said thanks
Posted December 24, 2012 - 01:25 PM
- wvbuzzmaster and Toolpartzman have said thanks
Posted December 25, 2012 - 08:49 PM
Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer, I've been robbed!"
"Can you be more specific sir?"
"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
"Sir, what is your location?"
"I'm in my car."
"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Yes, what is your emergency please?"
"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"
"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."
- MH81, caseguy, KennyP and 1 other said thanks
Posted December 29, 2012 - 06:35 AM
- wvbuzzmaster and zam have said thanks
Posted December 29, 2012 - 10:01 PM
- mjodrey and marlboro180 have said thanks
Posted December 30, 2012 - 10:24 AM
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
- KennyP and zam have said thanks