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Official Joke Thread


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#481 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted December 24, 2012 - 01:25 PM

chfunny7.jpg


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#482 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted December 25, 2012 - 08:49 PM

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer, I've been robbed!"
"Can you be more specific sir?"
"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
"Sir, what is your location?"
"I'm in my car."
"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer?"
"Yes, what is your emergency please?"
"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"
"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."


 

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#483 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted December 27, 2012 - 06:43 PM

teaching.jpg


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#484 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2012 - 06:42 PM

Meanwhile-->  In Maynard's garage:

 

 

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#485 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2012 - 09:34 PM

I got stopped for speeding yesterday!

I thought I could talk

my way out of it until the officer looked at

my dog in the back seat.


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#486 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 29, 2012 - 06:35 AM

This may be some dude with a new hat??

 

27298_416585638415719_1263405571_n.jpg


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#487 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 29, 2012 - 10:01 PM

Some food for thought...

 

60926_398232390262644_1386700012_n.jpg


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#488 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2012 - 10:24 AM

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal? :smilewink:  :D

 

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#489 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2012 - 10:38 AM

This may be some dude with a new hat??

 

attachicon.gif27298_416585638415719_1263405571_n.jpg

Not in a dodge


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#490 backwoods OFFLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2012 - 10:56 AM

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice — picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.” Moral: Some old men can still think fast…
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#491 backwoods OFFLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2012 - 11:01 AM

http://boofckemhoo.c...tter-ever-1883/  what a good laugh


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#492 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2012 - 12:27 PM

Dear  Santa,
 
How are  you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy
this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and 
an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come
Christmas Day.
 
Merry Christmas,
Timmy  Jones
 
 
 
Dear Timmy,
 
Thank you for you letter.  Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the
elves are all fine; and thank you  for asking about them. Santa
is a little worried  at all the time you  spend playing video
games and texting . Santa wouldn't want you to  get fat . Since
you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring  you
something you can go outside and  play with .
 
Merry  Christmas,
Santa Claus
 
 
 
Mr.  Claus,
 
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice"  contract,
set by you  I might add, I feel confident that you can see your
way clear to  granting me what I have asked for. I  certainly
wouldn't want to  turn this joyous season into one of 
litigation . Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight
coming  from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a
bit  trite ?
 
Respectfully,
 
Tim Jones
 
 
 
Mr.  Jones,
 
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice"  criteria,
need I remind you  that your Christmas list is a request  and in
no way is it a  guarantee of services provided . Should you wish
to pursue legal action   , well ,  that is your right . Please
know,  however, that my   attorneys have been on retainer ever
since the  Burgermeister  Meisterburger incident, and will be
more than happy to take you on  in open court . Additionally,
the exercise I alluded  to , will not only improve your health
, but also improve your social  skills and potentially help
clear up a complexion that  looks like the bottom of the Burger
King fry bin most days .
 
Very Truly  Yours,
 S         Claus
 
 
 

Now look here         Fat Man,
 
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it   . I  was
attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my        
looks and my friends into this . Now you are just disrespecting
me. I'm  about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for
your fat ass , and I'm taking my game console, my game, my
phone, and whatever  else I want . WHATEVER I WANT,  MAN !
 
T-Bone
 
 
 

Listen Pizza          Face,
 
Seriously??? You think a dude who breaks into every  house in
the world on one night and never gets caught, sweats a skinny
g-banger wannabe ? "He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows 
when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind
of resources I have at my disposal . I got your sh*t wired ,
Jack . I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described  them right now, you'd throw up your
Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your Mom's basement.
You're not getting what you asked for ,but I'm still stopping
by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're a**   and then walk it
dry . Chew on that, Petunia.
 
S         Clizzy
 
 

Dear   Santa,
 
Bring me  whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate  anything.
Timmy
 
 
 
Timmy,
 
That's what I  thought, you little  bastard .
Santa   :smilewink:  :D

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#493 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted January 04, 2013 - 06:35 AM

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't

it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,

Alex


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#494 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 04, 2013 - 08:40 AM

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read .. . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener .'

Dr. wouldnt ' submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma',
But I'm glad I came.


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#495 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 05, 2013 - 04:49 PM

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me
in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping
so excitedly but I thought, "What the heck," and I starting jumping
up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, " That's good. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up
and down she told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying
for a while so I told her, "That's great. I couldn't be happier
for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."
...
I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to
have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked
her how she knew. She said....

" Oh that was the easy part. I went to WalMart and they actually had
a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive."



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