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Official Joke Thread


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#436 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted December 12, 2012 - 09:08 PM

How does a guy from NY have such a keen insight into Illinois construction techniques???
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#437 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted December 12, 2012 - 09:29 PM

How does a guy from NY have such a keen insight into Illinois construction techniques???

Ha,Ha. We've been keeping eye on you up here. :tapping_fingers:

#438 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2012 - 09:53 AM

Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year.

I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus


* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat *** and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your *** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa
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#439 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2012 - 09:56 AM

Grandpa's reasoning
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
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#440 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2012 - 10:14 AM

Attached File  chili.txt   5.43KB   18 downloads



Sorry, I didn't figure out how to upload it with it opened up. It is all about eating chili in Texas where everything is bigger and better.

Attached Files


Edited by shorty, December 13, 2012 - 10:17 AM.


#441 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2012 - 10:35 AM

Attached File  chili.txt   5.43KB   18 downloads



Sorry, I didn't figure out how to upload it with it opened up. It is all about eating chili in Texas where everything is bigger and better.

Texas Chili Cook Off


INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. B***h is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I poo myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a darn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my
darn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?




I have read it before and it is always funny.
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#442 wvbuzzmaster OFFLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2012 - 12:17 PM

Awesome entries today guys, cracked me up.

#443 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2012 - 03:52 PM

Thanks for reposting with it opened up MBWW. It is good reading.

#444 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2012 - 11:28 PM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn"t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I"ve got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don"t want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don"t think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I"ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I"m here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn"t get raped!"


The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
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#445 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted December 15, 2012 - 07:21 AM

Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it. Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair. “Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes. ” Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!” “Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, ”that was the first compliment I got all day!”



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#446 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted December 15, 2012 - 07:24 AM

So Joe was once again caught lying to his teacher, and his teacher Mr. Rogers had enough. “Come here Joe” he said. “Here is your punishment, I want you to make a statement, if it’s true you get detention, if it’s false you get suspended.”

Q. What did the Joe say that caused him not to get punished at all?

A. I will be suspended. :( :( :( :( :D



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#447 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted December 15, 2012 - 07:26 AM

So it was Jim’s first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons. “Excuse me”, said a woman to him at the airport. “Do you happen to be travelling to America?” “As a matter of fact I am” responded Jim. “Do me a favour, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.” Jim happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, “Wow!” thought Jim “that was easy.” Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk “do you have a John here?” “Second door on the left,” was her reply. Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands “are you Dun?” he asked. “Yes” came the mystified reply. “Call your wife,” said Jim, “she’s been waiting to hear from you.”



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#448 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted December 16, 2012 - 03:29 PM

imagesCA1X0TOK.jpg

#449 KennyP OFFLINE  

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Posted December 16, 2012 - 04:26 PM

That is GROSS!

#450 Guest_gravely-power_*

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Posted December 16, 2012 - 07:31 PM

imagesCA1X0TOK.jpg


Reminds me of a joke about smuggling wheellbarrows.




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