Official Joke Thread
Posted December 08, 2012 - 11:54 PM
Posted December 09, 2012 - 06:47 AM
There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".
So, the servant did as the captain said.
After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt"?
The captain said, "Well if i get shot they won't see the blood.
The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."
The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
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Posted December 09, 2012 - 06:49 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
- Sparky, tractorgarden, LTD and 1 other said thanks
Posted December 11, 2012 - 01:41 PM
Posted December 11, 2012 - 10:24 PM
- WNYTractorTinkerer said thank you
Posted December 12, 2012 - 10:03 AM
- mjodrey, LTD and Toolpartzman have said thanks
Posted December 12, 2012 - 08:28 PM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; One from Illinois one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'
- mjodrey, MH81, tractorgarden and 3 others have said thanks
Posted December 12, 2012 - 09:08 PM
- WNYTractorTinkerer said thank you
Posted December 12, 2012 - 09:29 PM
Ha,Ha. We've been keeping eye on you up here.
How does a guy from NY have such a keen insight into Illinois construction techniques???
Posted December 13, 2012 - 09:53 AM
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year.
I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat *** and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your *** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
That's what I thought, you little bastard.
- tractorgarden, HowardsMF155, Toolpartzman and 1 other said thanks
Posted December 13, 2012 - 09:56 AM
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
- Toolpartzman and zam have said thanks
Posted December 13, 2012 - 10:35 AM
Texas Chili Cook Off
chili.txt 5.43KB 18 downloads
Sorry, I didn't figure out how to upload it with it opened up. It is all about eating chili in Texas where everything is bigger and better.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. B***h is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I poo myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a darn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my
darn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
I have read it before and it is always funny.
- HowardsMF155, shorty and zam have said thanks
Posted December 13, 2012 - 12:17 PM
Posted December 13, 2012 - 03:52 PM