3214 replies to this topic

[DanO]

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[MH81]

Elderly couple from PA were touring the country together and were pulled over in a small town out west. The Officer come to the window and asks for license and registration. The wife,being hard of hearing and and a little irritated at her husband for speeding says loudly "What'd he say?"

The husband replies the Officer wants his license and registration. The Officer looks at the info and says he lived in PA for a year. The wife asks "what, what did he say?" Again, the husband repeats the Officers statement so his wife understands.

This goes on for several minutes. The officer says something and the husband has to repeat. At the end of the pull over the husband asks why the Officer left PA... The Officer replies that he had been dating a girl up there who was the most ornery, irritating woman in the world and he couldn't get far enough away from her after the break up.

The wife again says "What!?"

The husband turns to her and says " He says he thinks he knows you!"

[mjodrey]

Funny Classifieds

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 *** BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

[Sparky]

Ok - my brother Darryl the P.E. ( he thinks he's good looking) emails Popular Mechanics about their recent article of the most 101 most useful gadgets that changed the world . He informs them that they neglected Mr Crapper's device . They sent back a very nice reply " Thank you for contacting us. We have forwarded your e-mail to the department at the magazine who would be most interested in your question or story " . What was most disgusting was the situation was all handled WITHOUT PAPER

[MH81]

Ha ha ha ha ha! Thanks Sparky.

[akretowicz]

Did you hear? Ronald McDonald killed Burger King right in front of Dairy Queen. It's being talked about all over Boston Market. Burger King just couldn't keep his Jack in the Box and was Dunkin Donuts under the Sheetz... but then compared to McDonald's Wimpy Little Caesar, it's no real wonder why his girl, Wendy, cheated on him. KFC said the funeral will be at Church's. You going? I'm taking the Subway!!!

[DougT]

Subject: Nuts by the fence


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along..

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[MH81]

[wvbuzzmaster]

LOL, thats a good one Doug.

I saw a Wanted ad in the local newspaper that caught my eye, going to leave address and phone number out to protect the poor soul.

"Would the lady who bought the pressure cooker and the safe at the yard sale at [address] on [date] please return the safe. There were some important papers in it that we need. [phone number]"

Kinda serious, but also kinda funny at the same time.

[Sparky]

CASEY ____ CONSIDERING THE TYPE OF LOCAL INHABITANTS THAT YOU HINTED EXISTS THERE , WOULD THE BUYERS BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE ????? (should I or not send - oh heck )

[Sparky]

This joke came from a WW2 vet in 1966. His eyes had a sparkle that is rarely seen on a daily basis . Anyway enough with the intro. So a lady runs through a crowded airport to catch a plane , she keeps yelling - let me thru let me thru I'm trying to catch my ride. so people stand aside. She gets to the plane door which is about to close and yells let me on , I'm pregnant and need to catch my ride !! She gets on in the nick of time. The plane is taxi'ing when another passenger looks at her and inquires " how long have you been pregnant ?? " The lady responds ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AND I'M BUSHED !!!!

[akretowicz]

..a man walks in to a doctors office wearing saran wrap underwear and says"doctor whats wrong with me"doctor says "well i can clearly see your nuts'

[dstaggs]

A mother was taking her to friends house to play and the little girl ask her mother how old she was, Mother's reply was child never ask a woman her age, So after a few the girl ask mom how much she weighs and again Mothers reply was never ask a woman her age, so the little girl ask why her and daddy got a DIVORCE mom was real set off. Now they hace arrived at the friends house and was so dispointed that mom didn't share the information with her. So her friend tells her it's ok just look at her drivers license it tells you everything so when she got home and mom was cooking dinner she got her information. So she goes in the kitchen and tell mom the she is 37 years old mom was floored where you find out the little girl says she has her way, and mom you weigh 145lbs, How did you find out, a mom I know why you and dad got the divorce you got a F in sex.

[MH81]

Just read the last few. Thanks guys. :laughingteeth:

[mjodrey]

Funny stuff guys.