Official Joke Thread
Posted November 22, 2012 - 11:56 PM
Posted November 24, 2012 - 10:08 AM
- mjodrey, MH81 and marlboro180 have said thanks
Posted November 26, 2012 - 03:35 PM
It was split up.
The State Department hired all the Twinkies.
The Secret Sevice hired all the HoHos.
The generals are sleeping with the Cup-cakes
and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
- mjodrey, KennyP, JDGuy445 and 2 others have said thanks
Posted November 29, 2012 - 08:09 AM
- jd.rasentrac and A.C.T. have said thanks
Posted November 29, 2012 - 11:38 AM
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slamsback down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck.
- Bruce Dorsi, Sparky, KennyP and 4 others have said thanks
Posted November 29, 2012 - 06:04 PM
Annie, 6 years old, got home from school. She had had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asked, "How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" Annie said.
“Why?” her mother asked.
Annie said, “Kay from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Skylar says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother said. “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”
“No, but I just couldn’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
- mjodrey, KennyP and zam have said thanks
Posted November 29, 2012 - 10:19 PM
Two days before the group is to leave, Ray's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ray's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ray sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"poo Ray, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So . . . . here I am !
- mjodrey, MH81, KennyP and 3 others have said thanks
Posted November 30, 2012 - 05:52 AM
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Nine (9) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
Edited by mjodrey, November 30, 2012 - 05:53 AM.
- GTTinkerer, KennyP, marlboro180 and 2 others have said thanks
Posted November 30, 2012 - 06:24 AM
- mjodrey said thank you
Posted December 01, 2012 - 05:39 AM
A woman and her 10 year old son were in a taxi in Liverpool .
It was raining cats and dogs so all the local prostitutes were
standing under shop awnings and in shop doorways.
"Mum " says the boy, "what are all these women doing? "
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replies.
The taxi driver turns around and says, " Come on Missus, why don't
you tell him the truth ? They're hookers, boy ! They have sex with men for money. "
The little boy's eyes widen and he says, " Is that true mum? "
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the boy asks,
"Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
- Sparky, tractorgarden, LilysDad and 2 others have said thanks
Posted December 01, 2012 - 01:56 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
- mjodrey, KennyP, tractorgarden and 2 others have said thanks