Official Joke Thread
Posted November 13, 2012 - 10:17 AM
Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his hoo hoo in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist...
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha , became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened??
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his hoo hoo in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact hoo hoo.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand...
What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
- mjodrey, Sparky, tractorgarden and 1 other said thanks
Posted November 13, 2012 - 09:30 PM
Posted November 15, 2012 - 06:02 AM
Posted November 15, 2012 - 09:13 AM
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
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Posted November 15, 2012 - 09:14 AM
An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman.
"Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked
"Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied, smiling. "Why do you ask?"
"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."
"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
- mjodrey said thank you
Posted November 15, 2012 - 09:16 AM
A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him.
Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard.
The zoo keeper rushes right over.
When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.
The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"
The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."
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Posted November 15, 2012 - 09:18 AM
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
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Posted November 15, 2012 - 07:01 PM
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he a
pproaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”
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Posted November 15, 2012 - 08:41 PM
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!!!!”
At this the Texan drawled: “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends.”
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Posted November 16, 2012 - 10:46 AM
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I
always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."
Yep, it's the golden years.
- mjodrey, wvbuzzmaster, IamSherwood and 2 others have said thanks
Posted November 18, 2012 - 07:42 AM
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see
her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask
him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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Posted November 18, 2012 - 01:19 PM
"WOW that's a gorgeous dress"
"Oh my gosh, look at these shoes they're beautiful"
"Should I get the pink shoes or the red?"
"Just make your mind up" replied my wife
- mjodrey, WNYTractorTinkerer and zam have said thanks
Posted November 19, 2012 - 02:18 AM
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
- mjodrey, MH81, caseguy and 4 others have said thanks
Posted November 19, 2012 - 05:22 PM
...And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
I always referred to my youngest daughter as "the one my Mother wished on me"...but I wasn't happy with that. I went and got another one that was just like me too!
Posted November 19, 2012 - 06:26 PM