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Official Joke Thread


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#361 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2012 - 02:15 AM

Gonna be a bad day..

crawlin.jpg
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#362 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2012 - 04:46 AM

Gonna be a bad day..

crawlin.jpg



Unless this guy has a heath problem,then this would be wrong,but.................
LOL, LOL,LOL,LOL.
:bigrofl: :bigrofl:

Edited by mjodrey, October 27, 2012 - 06:25 AM.


#363 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2012 - 05:33 AM

Halloween is coming!



A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

When behind him he hears:



Bump...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...




BUMP...




He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping










Clappity-BUMP...




Clappity-BUMP...






Clappity-BUMP...





On his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
















And,

















(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The coffin stops. :loosing_it:


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#364 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:00 AM

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em." :smilewink:
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#365 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:02 AM

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up,and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.Four years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees the little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What was that all about?" :D
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#366 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:06 AM

A man was driving a truck full of Penguins to the zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. What a mess! Another man in a truck drove by and saw the first guy with all the penguins running around. He said, "Hey, Mack, I'm not haulin' anything. Can I help you out?"

The first guy said, "Yeah, I gotta take these penguins to the zoo."

The good Samaritan truck driver helped him load all the penguins onto the truck and he took off.

The next day, the first guy was driving down the street when he saw the other truck driver walking down the street with all the penguins behind him, beboppin' along in a straight line.

"Hey, Mack! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

He replied, "I did. We had such a good time, today I thought I'd take them to the baseball game."
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#367 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:08 AM

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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#368 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:11 AM

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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#369 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 12:16 PM

Drive-through ATM machines


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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#370 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 12:19 PM

Walking the Dog


Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”.
After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it’s cool, follow my lead!" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door "no dogs allowed sir!" tom insisted "oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in" "it is? But that’s a dauchound !"
"Yes there using them now because of their amazing sense of smell"
"Very well come in." bob puts on shades and also stopped before entering
"No dogs allowed sir!" the waiter heckled.
"Oh please forgive me it’s my seeing eye dog" bob apologized.
"A chihuahua?!!!" the waiter shouted
"what??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
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#371 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 02:08 PM

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary
for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton
if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to
see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal.
"Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold
urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his
private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,
Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pee'd in your saxophone."
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#372 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2012 - 07:12 AM

The dog named Mace


A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to pen Mace up. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the pen and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed..........,








"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" :D












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#373 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2012 - 06:12 PM

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt
Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically
hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before
you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We
seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the
higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend
one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be
in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the
elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and
reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then
dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who is having a good time dancing
and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before
the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves
while the elevator rises.The elevator goes up, up,
and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a
group of contented souls moving from cloud to
cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours
have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then,
you've spent a day in hell and another
in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean
heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in
the middle of a barren land covered with waste
and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking
up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had
a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."


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#374 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2012 - 07:24 PM

That was a great story Doug. I must say that it didn't make me laugh though...too much truth in it. You should've saved that one for a month after the election.

#375 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2012 - 08:33 AM

That was a great story Doug. I must say that it didn't make me laugh though...too much truth in it. You should've saved that one for a month after the election.


We can only hope it makes them think before they vote!!
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