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Official Joke Thread


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#361 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:11 AM

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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#362 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 12:16 PM

Drive-through ATM machines


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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#363 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 12:19 PM

Walking the Dog


Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”.
After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it’s cool, follow my lead!" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door "no dogs allowed sir!" tom insisted "oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in" "it is? But that’s a dauchound !"
"Yes there using them now because of their amazing sense of smell"
"Very well come in." bob puts on shades and also stopped before entering
"No dogs allowed sir!" the waiter heckled.
"Oh please forgive me it’s my seeing eye dog" bob apologized.
"A chihuahua?!!!" the waiter shouted
"what??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
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#364 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 02:08 PM

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary
for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton
if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to
see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal.
"Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold
urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his
private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,
Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pee'd in your saxophone."
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#365 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2012 - 07:12 AM

The dog named Mace


A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to pen Mace up. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the pen and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed..........,








"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" :D












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#366 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2012 - 06:12 PM

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt
Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically
hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before
you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We
seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the
higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend
one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be
in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the
elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and
reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then
dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who is having a good time dancing
and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before
the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves
while the elevator rises.The elevator goes up, up,
and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a
group of contented souls moving from cloud to
cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours
have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then,
you've spent a day in hell and another
in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean
heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in
the middle of a barren land covered with waste
and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking
up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had
a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."


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#367 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2012 - 07:24 PM

That was a great story Doug. I must say that it didn't make me laugh though...too much truth in it. You should've saved that one for a month after the election.

#368 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2012 - 08:33 AM

That was a great story Doug. I must say that it didn't make me laugh though...too much truth in it. You should've saved that one for a month after the election.


We can only hope it makes them think before they vote!!
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#369 GTTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2012 - 10:32 AM

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:
"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her:

"No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

Edited by GTTinkerer, November 04, 2012 - 10:33 AM.

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#370 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted November 07, 2012 - 03:32 PM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a


funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless


man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a


pauper's cemetery in the back country.



As I was not familiarwith the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,I didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently


gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the


diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.



I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the


side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in


place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.



I playedout my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.


I played likeI've never played before for this homeless man.



And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.



They wept,I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipesand started for my car.



Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,


"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.


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#371 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

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Posted November 07, 2012 - 08:04 PM

The dog named Mace


A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to pen Mace up. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the pen and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed..........,








"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" :D






A fine run of good ones Maynard but this one ranks near the top (along with the cough syrup) on the groan-o-meter
:rolling: :rolling:






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#372 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted November 10, 2012 - 05:06 AM

Cold Winter Ahead It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.” “How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood.”


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#373 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 11, 2012 - 01:38 PM

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores. Hi Fred!”

Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, November 11, 2012 - 01:38 PM.

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#374 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 11, 2012 - 03:42 PM

:firejumper: :firejumper: :firejumper: :firejumper:

222431_10151182422128389_2122584913_n.jpg

224484_248113735208117_7408326_n.jpeg

Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, November 11, 2012 - 03:43 PM.

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#375 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted November 11, 2012 - 04:44 PM

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores. Hi Fred!”


There is this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Quit it!". This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes around. Then suddenly, it gets really Quiet. At first the guy just waits, then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I am really sorry for the trouble I have made. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is amazed. He cannot understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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