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Official Joke Thread


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#346 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 25, 2012 - 09:16 PM

Oh , number 22 took me a minute, but great post mjodray. :D

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#347 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted October 25, 2012 - 11:01 PM

#8, #20, and #33! Thanks Maynard!
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#348 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted October 25, 2012 - 11:15 PM

In meterville ( meadville ) Pa the city hall changed location to Courthouse diamond . It is now possible to get a parking ticket while paying a parking fine . In July it cost me 30 dollars for two 10 dollar subs because I could not find a quarter for the meter . Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!! Lebron finally found his quarter he needed so I better keep one handy ho ho ho
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#349 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted October 25, 2012 - 11:36 PM

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?



IS098Q0IE.jpg


A: The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all to shreds.
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#350 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2012 - 12:27 AM

Here's a picture for ya...

Attached Thumbnails

  • no body.JPG

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#351 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2012 - 12:39 AM

1. A day without sunshine is like... Night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese..

9. Support bacteria!! They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory...

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck
happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates... It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow."
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#352 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2012 - 04:17 AM

WTT,those are great.I really like #23.
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#353 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2012 - 09:10 AM

I think I resemble # 21! Thanks!

#354 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2012 - 02:15 AM

Gonna be a bad day..

crawlin.jpg
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#355 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2012 - 04:46 AM

Gonna be a bad day..

crawlin.jpg



Unless this guy has a heath problem,then this would be wrong,but.................
LOL, LOL,LOL,LOL.
:bigrofl: :bigrofl:

Edited by mjodrey, October 27, 2012 - 06:25 AM.


#356 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2012 - 05:33 AM

Halloween is coming!



A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

When behind him he hears:



Bump...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...




BUMP...




He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping










Clappity-BUMP...




Clappity-BUMP...






Clappity-BUMP...





On his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
















And,

















(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The coffin stops. :loosing_it:


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#357 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:00 AM

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em." :smilewink:
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#358 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:02 AM

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up,and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.Four years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees the little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What was that all about?" :D
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#359 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:06 AM

A man was driving a truck full of Penguins to the zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. What a mess! Another man in a truck drove by and saw the first guy with all the penguins running around. He said, "Hey, Mack, I'm not haulin' anything. Can I help you out?"

The first guy said, "Yeah, I gotta take these penguins to the zoo."

The good Samaritan truck driver helped him load all the penguins onto the truck and he took off.

The next day, the first guy was driving down the street when he saw the other truck driver walking down the street with all the penguins behind him, beboppin' along in a straight line.

"Hey, Mack! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

He replied, "I did. We had such a good time, today I thought I'd take them to the baseball game."
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#360 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2012 - 05:08 AM

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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