Official Joke Thread
Posted October 21, 2012 - 04:54 AM
Things to make you stop and think
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
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Posted October 21, 2012 - 05:48 AM
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!
They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.
Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know!
So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o,
those are my emergency flashers!"
Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, October 21, 2012 - 05:49 AM.
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Posted October 21, 2012 - 05:52 AM
2 older couples were having an evening at one of their homes. It was after dinner and the women were in the kitchen while men were in the living room talking:
"You know Bill that dinner was great."
Yeah Effie always does a great job.
"You know you ought to take her out as a thank you. The wife and I went to a great place the other night....great food."
"What's it called?"
"I'm trying to remember." He appeared to concentrate very hard and then said: "Bill, what's that flower you give to someone you love? Has thorns."
"You mean a rose?"
"THATS IT!..... (yelling) Hey Rose, what was the name of that place we ate at the other night?"
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Posted October 21, 2012 - 01:14 PM
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer.He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you
found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, OI I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds.And when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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Posted October 21, 2012 - 01:18 PM
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
............ ............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds to me like she's . . .been. . . sweeping around!!!
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Posted October 22, 2012 - 11:23 AM
Posted October 23, 2012 - 11:25 AM
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.
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Posted October 23, 2012 - 04:19 PM
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
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Posted October 24, 2012 - 04:19 AM
On January 9 a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
Edited by mjodrey, October 24, 2012 - 04:21 AM.
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Posted October 24, 2012 - 06:55 AM
Posted October 25, 2012 - 04:18 AM
I knew that was a joke. Illinois bikers don't ride in January.
Not even with the heater turned up ?
Posted October 25, 2012 - 05:19 AM
"I hate tacos"
"Said no Juan ever"
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Posted October 25, 2012 - 06:10 AM
Bagpiper at a Funeral
As a bagpiper, I was recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, and the service was to be at a cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone, the hearse was nowhere in sight, there were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. I played 'Amazing Grace,' as a finale, shouldered my bagpipes, and started for my car.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Edited by mjodrey, October 25, 2012 - 06:11 AM.
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Posted October 25, 2012 - 05:32 PM
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Edited by mjodrey, October 25, 2012 - 05:34 PM.
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