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#316 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 08, 2012 - 05:39 AM

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side,

I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING


We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!


I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

-- From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS


IDIOT SIGHTING


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,

'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,

couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again..

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said,

"the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk

like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.


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#317 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted October 08, 2012 - 06:13 AM

Those are great, Maynard! Too bad they are true!
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#318 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 08, 2012 - 06:23 AM

Too bad they are true!




Yes,I know what you mean.

#319 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 08, 2012 - 10:15 AM

Here's one I got a kick out of....

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"




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#320 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted October 10, 2012 - 06:08 PM

A HOME MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxy-acetylene torch.

.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned callouses

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit Michigan, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short

Edited by LTD, October 10, 2012 - 06:08 PM.

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#321 tractorman604 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 10, 2012 - 06:34 PM

LTD , those are all true,and that would make a great poster to hang on the shop wall :thumbs: :canada:

#322 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 10, 2012 - 06:48 PM

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking, and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks, bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan - he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done."
"Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I don't want the
cars or planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either."
"Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the SOB that pushed me in."

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#323 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 13, 2012 - 07:56 AM

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to their office. The auditor is not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney..

#324 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 18, 2012 - 05:56 AM

This is pretty funny.Just listen to this lady.She can't be serious,or at least I hope she's not. :bigrofl:

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#325 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 18, 2012 - 10:20 AM

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.



"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.


The grass is almost a foot high!!" :D :D
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#326 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted October 18, 2012 - 07:34 PM

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
work.

You and me.


And there you are, Sitting at your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice.

Edited by LTD, October 18, 2012 - 07:36 PM.

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#327 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2012 - 06:13 PM

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground...
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
(And the best one for last)
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

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#328 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2012 - 08:26 PM

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground...
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
(And the best one for last)
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

My father repaired B 17's for the good ol USA and afterwards thought that flying in planes was not a good idea . No way to certify them ready to fly after being shot at . One of his favorite sayings was that you should check the nut behind the wheel .
Skip to next generation I managed to acquire an instrument rating { 1 engine } before just settling down ' Forward to 3rd generation - My daughter is certifide A + P after 2 yrs college and 2 yrs Aviation school . Our favorite movie bit is Bill Shatner seeing the gremlins . It could be all about using the right size hammer :D

#329 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2012 - 11:02 PM

Thanls for that great post LTD, funny as hell. And thanks Sparky too, good on your daughter, that is quite an accomplishment. :-)

#330 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted October 20, 2012 - 07:49 AM

I will credit this one to my Son.

How many Spanish Conquistadors does it take to change a light bulb?













"Juan"



(my kids a dork sometimes but God help me, I laughed...:thumbs: )
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