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Official Joke Thread


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#301 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted September 30, 2012 - 05:45 AM

Grandma's Peanuts

Richard is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's housefor a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

So Richard and his friends start snacking on them.


When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,


And thank you for the peanuts." Then Grandma says,

"You're welcome. Eat all ya' want...ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off'em." :laughingteeth:
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#302 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted September 30, 2012 - 07:12 AM

Skeet


:bigrofl: thanks, I needed a laugh.

#303 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 30, 2012 - 08:31 AM

Grandma's Peanuts

Richard is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's housefor a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

So Richard and his friends start snacking on them.


When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,


And thank you for the peanuts." Then Grandma says,

"You're welcome. Eat all ya' want...ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off'em." :laughingteeth:

OMG!! Awful funny!

Here something else for ya:

Paraprosdokians... Posted Image

**"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.**


(Here's the definition for those of us that don't know what the heck that word means: http://en.wikipedia..../Paraprosdokian )

Ok? So now enjoy!!!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

Here's one for the Guys as the holidays approach: http://www.youtube.c...GkYts&vq=medium

Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, September 30, 2012 - 08:38 AM.

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#304 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 30, 2012 - 10:44 AM

Pensive thinking..

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

...
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

:confuse: :confuse: :confuse: :confuse: :confuse: :confuse:
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#305 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 01, 2012 - 03:06 PM

Not a joke,but I got a laugh out of it at the end.

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#306 achomesteader OFFLINE  

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Posted October 01, 2012 - 03:57 PM

Cracked me up! :smilewink: :bigrofl:
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#307 KennyP OFFLINE  

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Posted October 01, 2012 - 04:40 PM

That's the problem, it was up the .... well you know!
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#308 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted October 03, 2012 - 02:01 PM

Definition of APHORISM


1: a concise statement of a principle

2: a terse formulation of a truth or sentiment : adage


APHORISMS OF THE YEAR...

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame


You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.



We have enough "youth"

How about a fountain of "smart"




The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.



A Fool and his money

can throw one heck of a party





When blondes have more fun,

do they know it?



Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.


LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Don't Drink and Drive

You might hit a bump and spill something.



If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.



We We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.




Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.



Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi



ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.



The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population




"You know why a banana is like a politician?"


"He comes in and first he is green,

then he turns yellow

and then he's rotten."




"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,

you know, like NASCAR drivers,

so we could identify their corporate sponsors."




The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.


Edited by MH81, October 06, 2012 - 07:56 PM.

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#309 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted October 03, 2012 - 03:46 PM

Dang that yellow is impossible to read.
'







A man was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee crying profusely. His wife came in and asked him what was wrong.
" Remember when you daddy caught us behind the barn and said I could either marry you or go to jail for 2 decades?"
His wife replied, " Yes, I remember. Our 20th anniversary is coming up next month. Why are you crying though?"
He sobbed, "I would have been a free man in 14 days."

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#310 marlboro180 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 03, 2012 - 04:08 PM

Dang that yellow is impossible to read.


14 days LOL!

Hey, try highlighting the orange type, it works great ! ( also handy for jokers that send you invisible e-mails, such as a few of my friends... )

Edited by marlboro180, October 03, 2012 - 04:10 PM.


#311 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted October 03, 2012 - 06:23 PM

I did highlight it. It was the only way I could read it.

#312 Team_Green OFFLINE  

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Posted October 03, 2012 - 07:23 PM

Dang that yellow is impossible to read.
'




I found this funny however my wife did not.. :laughingteeth:


A man was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee crying profusely. His wife came in and asked him what was wrong.
" Remember when you daddy caught us behind the barn and said I could either marry you or go to jail for 2 decades?"
His wife replied, " Yes, I remember. Our 20th anniversary is coming up next month. Why are you crying though?"
He sobbed, "I would have been a free man in 14 days."



#313 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted October 06, 2012 - 05:24 PM

the disease is not funny, it's effects on a person and their families isn't funny, neither is obesity..
But I found this T-shirt and laughed right out loud in spite of myself...
Posted Image
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#314 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted October 06, 2012 - 10:34 PM

Bad Drivers



There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
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#315 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted October 07, 2012 - 09:22 AM

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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