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Official Joke Thread


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#286 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted September 20, 2012 - 05:51 AM

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your Honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' :smilewink:

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#287 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted September 20, 2012 - 05:54 AM

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." :laughingteeth:

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#288 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 10:57 AM

A wet-behind-the ears border patrol agent is on his first night alone. He catches a group of about 20 illegals coming over the border and takes them at gunpoint, but he can't remember his basic Spanish for "show me your hands." So his mind is racing and he remember an old movie (Young Guns?) where the hero screams something and some Mexicans throw up their hands. So he screams this phrase from his memory. All the illegals throw up their hands, fall to their knees, and start gabbling in Spanish. He holds them there.

When his supervisor shows up, the supervisor is a native speaker and is able to talk the detainees into compliance.

Much later, he asks, "What did you tell these people? They're scared to death." The new guy repeats his phrase, and the supervisor laughs.

"You just told them, 'Pray to God, you're about to meet him!'"

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#289 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 12:43 PM

A blonde, brunette and redhead girls were talking.......
Brunette: I'm gonna be the first brunette on Venus!
The other cheer excitedly.
Redhead: I'm gonna be the first redhead on Mars!
The other cheer excitedly.
Blonde: Yea so, I'm gonna be the first blonde on the sun!
Brunette: But you'll get burned.
Blonde: Don't be stupid, I'll go at night.
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#290 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 12:52 PM

Anyone going to China, here's a quick brush-up on the language.

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
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#291 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 12:54 PM

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Allen, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Allen,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I
buried the BODIES.
Love Allen

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Allen.
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#292 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 12:58 PM

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
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#293 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 01:00 PM

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
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#294 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 01:02 PM

Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"
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#295 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 01:23 PM

Jeff and Kate, a couple with a newborn child, had to watch a friends Mastiff/Doberman mix for a month while they were away. They couldn't have the dog inside with the baby so they tied the dog to 4x4 pole that supported the front porch. After a week, a string of robberies werer going around. So Jeff got a brilliant idea. He was a skilled carpenter, so he broke free both poles, put a 4x4 in place for temporary, put the dog outback in the backporch and put notes at all entrances. "To whom it may concern, the poles are broken because Brutus and Killer saw a cat and they broke them after going after it. Brutus is still currently in the house so please ring first before entering or he will attack. Killer may still be wandering the neighborhood so watch out and please let us know if you see him " After a month, Brutus went home, Jeff built new poles, and never again was another house robbed.

#296 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2012 - 04:40 PM

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked. . .

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow
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#297 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted September 22, 2012 - 05:38 PM


Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!’


'Ain't dat grand!!' -- Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, ‘Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph; it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a
good ting we didn't use WD-40.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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#298 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 22, 2012 - 05:46 PM

Good ones Doug. That last one cracked me up. I don't think I could live with 40 kids, that goes out as a warning to any expecting parents.
The following is for tax season.

Post Office just recalled their newest stamps:
They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.

What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.

What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.

What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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#299 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 22, 2012 - 05:51 PM

Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd
was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends."
"Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule.
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#300 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted September 27, 2012 - 08:21 PM

Semper Fi-

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These
are not pigs. These are Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one
for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellant trade, sir."
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