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Official Joke Thread


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#241 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted August 20, 2012 - 06:58 PM

Daniel, if a cow's head faces north, which way does its' tail point?














Down, ya silly goose.......
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#242 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2012 - 07:15 AM

PARAPROSDOKIANS...
are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to behave in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening network news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.


27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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#243 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2012 - 07:44 AM

PARAPROSDOKIANS...
are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to behave in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening network news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.


27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Precious Maynard-There's a "T" shirt in #s 4,25 and 27
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#244 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2012 - 03:38 PM

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on bar stools.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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#245 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted August 28, 2012 - 10:42 AM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ..
.face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!
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#246 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted August 28, 2012 - 11:47 AM

COF! (choking on coffee!) Tanks!

#247 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted August 30, 2012 - 02:37 PM

From a county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off they worked fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
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#248 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

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Posted August 30, 2012 - 05:22 PM

Obesity is so rampant in Arkansas and Mississippi that a new Walmart Department is offering Discount Liposuction.
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#249 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2012 - 09:24 AM



Exhaustipated

*********************

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to us older folks!


Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a poo.

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#250 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2012 - 04:48 PM

Exhaustipated! :bigrofl:

Thanks Doug

#251 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2012 - 05:33 PM

Exhaustipated! :bigrofl:

Thanks Doug


That's almost fitting after the David bradley incident!

#252 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2012 - 07:02 PM

Exhaustipated

*********************

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to us older folks!


Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a poo.


This word describes me to a T right now.

#253 skyrydr2 ONLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2012 - 07:13 PM

Here's a good joke : who was the smarty pants who put steering on a hay wagon? What a joke trying to back up with a pickup with and extended wheel base..... boy am I out of practice....... took me at least 10 trays to get the hay wagon in the barn tonight sheesh, what a looser...... :(

#254 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2012 - 08:39 PM

I hear it's even tougher with tandem wagons.

#255 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2012 - 08:55 PM

Exhaustipated

*********************

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to us older folks!


Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a poo.

In the words of Mike Myers - Yeah baby !!!!!




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