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Official Joke Thread


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#211 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 07, 2012 - 07:33 PM

Tom,Dick,and Harry

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
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#212 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 07, 2012 - 07:36 PM

The executions

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."
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#213 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 07, 2012 - 07:40 PM

Did you hear about the man who lost his left side?........................



................He's all right now.
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#214 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 08, 2012 - 06:18 AM

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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#215 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

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Posted August 08, 2012 - 06:38 AM

Maynard,this thread hasn't been the same without you :bounce: :bounce: :thumbs:
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#216 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 08, 2012 - 01:47 PM

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
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#217 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 08, 2012 - 02:49 PM

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
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#218 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted August 08, 2012 - 08:34 PM

Billy and Tommy (ages 9 and 6) wake one Saturday morning to the call of the mother to come downstairs for breakfast.

"Wait, Tommy. I've decided its time we stop acting like little babies. It's time we start using cuss words. Let's start small, you use the word 'poo' and I'll use 'hell'. Got it?"

"Okay, Billy; I'll try my best."

The two head downstairs to the table where the milk, two bowls, and two spoons are set. Their mom asks them what kind of cereal they want for breakfast, Cheerios or Lucky Charms.

Billy says, "Hell, Mom; I'm no baby, give me the Cheerios!"

Whack! Bam! Smack! Billy gets tossed out of his chair, a wet dishtowel to the cheek, and a foot planted squarely in his behind on his way to getting chased upstairs.

"STAY UP THERE UNTIL YOU LEARN SOME RESPECT, BILLY!"

"Now', she says turning to Tommy, 'what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

Tommy says brightly, "I'm not sure Mom, but it sure as poo isn't going to be Cheerios!"

Edited by Cat385B, August 08, 2012 - 08:35 PM.

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#219 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted August 09, 2012 - 06:22 PM

MISINTERPRETATION...

I was in a bar last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very
large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from
Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember.
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#220 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 11, 2012 - 04:49 AM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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#221 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 12, 2012 - 06:45 AM

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in their craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

#222 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted August 12, 2012 - 06:47 AM

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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#223 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted August 13, 2012 - 07:03 AM



PROOF THAT MEN REMEMBER!!!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in
deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this
time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you
were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes,
I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'






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#224 jd.rasentrac ONLINE  

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Posted August 14, 2012 - 01:51 PM

80 percent of german women think, that their :ass: is to fat

but...

20 percent would marry him again :love:
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#225 jd.rasentrac ONLINE  

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Posted August 14, 2012 - 03:00 PM

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


:confuse: pardon, I don't understand any word. Maynard, can you shoot me a :camera:

Two bugs in a field, one becomes a moviestar. The other stay at home and WHAT :brain_fart:




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