Jump to content

Nominations for Tractor of the Month
Garden Tractors and Parts on eBay



Photo
* * * * * 2 votes

Official Joke Thread


  • Please log in to reply
2181 replies to this topic

#196 wvbuzzmaster OFFLINE  

wvbuzzmaster

    Squeaky Wheel

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 1792
  • 4,492 Thanks
  • 7,341 posts
  • Location: West Virginia

Posted July 12, 2012 - 07:28 PM

Now that's one I have to memorize... :bounce:


Purina diet LOL, definitely a keeper.

#197 HDWildBill ONLINE  

HDWildBill

    Freedom is not Free. Thank those in uniform for your freedom.

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 6354
  • 8,701 Thanks
  • 8,557 posts
  • Location: Ga

Posted July 12, 2012 - 08:11 PM

Cat that was a good one. yes a keeper.

#198 DougT ONLINE  

DougT

    Dog Approved

  • Super Moderator
  • Staff
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 584
  • 5,719 Thanks
  • 4,279 posts
  • Location: north central Ohio

Posted July 18, 2012 - 04:04 PM






George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.



The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
  • caseguy, LTD and zam have said thanks

#199 Tencubed OFFLINE  

Tencubed
  • Member
  • Member No: 10398
  • 22 Thanks
  • 26 posts
  • Location: Washington State

Posted July 18, 2012 - 05:41 PM

A child is born and is a perfect baby in every way except he has a recessed head screw head in his navel. As the boy grows the screw stays in place and Doctors are afraid to do anything with it because of it's location and not being able to tell what, if any, internal organs it may be in contact with.

As the child matures he has difficulty in gym class and no girls want to be seen with him. His social life suffers for many years. When he reaches manhood he finally decides to take matters into his own hands and visits many specialists and learned persons. The answers are always the same, can't remove it, know nothing about this sort of thing, leave it alone and live with it. Finally, out of options and desperate, he travels to remote India where he climbs a high mountain to visit a fabled, and revered, wise man. The wise man listens to his story of agony and hardship and advises him to consider that once things are changed they can never again return to what they were. The man tells the Guru he wants to be done with his affliction forever. Thus assured the Wise Man tells him to find a silver screwdriver and go to the deepest part of the ocean. There he is to tread water and turn the screw clockwise two turns.

The man does as directed, carefully turning the screw just two turns clockwise and his butt falls off.

Mike
  • Toolpartzman and zam have said thanks

#200 John@Reliable OFFLINE  

John@Reliable

    Procrastinators unite tomorrow

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 36
  • 1,295 Thanks
  • 1,416 posts
  • Location: Boston- Cape Cod MA

Posted August 02, 2012 - 02:47 PM

How to make 5 pounds of fat look good?
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^


Put a nipple on it :laughingteeth:
  • Tencubed said thank you

#201 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted August 05, 2012 - 05:59 AM

How to make 5 pounds of fat look good?
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^


Put a nipple on it :laughingteeth:





:rofl2:
  • Toolpartzman said thank you

#202 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

Toolpartzman

    Fun With Horsepower

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Member No: 7171
  • 468 Thanks
  • 1,280 posts
  • Location: Little Rock,AR

Posted August 05, 2012 - 07:10 AM

Great hearing from you Maynard :dancingbanana:

#203 DougT ONLINE  

DougT

    Dog Approved

  • Super Moderator
  • Staff
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 584
  • 5,719 Thanks
  • 4,279 posts
  • Location: north central Ohio

Posted August 05, 2012 - 07:54 PM

2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an
Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up
a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish,
Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a
length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe,
England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around,
picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley,
Ireland," he says: "Fencing."
  • caseguy, KennyP, HDWildBill and 3 others have said thanks

#204 tinner OFFLINE  

tinner

    Tractorholic

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 961
  • 502 Thanks
  • 1,561 posts
  • Location: 20 Miles East Of Ding Dong, Texas

Posted August 06, 2012 - 04:31 PM

Giving Up Wine




I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' Click on link.


http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f4%5f22%5fAPhXimIAAGfoUCAx3QoO%2bWMYy48&pid=2.4&fid=Trash&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo

Edited by tinner, August 06, 2012 - 04:32 PM.

  • caseguy, middleageddeere, KennyP and 2 others have said thanks

#205 MH81 ONLINE  

MH81

    Proud to be Deplorable

  • Staff Admin
  • Staff
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 802
  • 27,271 Thanks
  • 28,607 posts
  • Location: N. W. PA

Posted August 06, 2012 - 11:38 PM

Link broken. Best save the image and upload it.

#206 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted August 07, 2012 - 05:13 AM

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
  • wilberj, caseguy, middleageddeere and 5 others have said thanks

#207 KennyP ONLINE  

KennyP

    FORDoholic

  • Super Moderator
  • Staff
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 2253
  • 28,418 Thanks
  • 39,668 posts
  • Location: Collinsville, Oklahoma

Posted August 07, 2012 - 05:42 AM

:bigrofl: Good one, Maynard!

#208 achomesteader OFFLINE  

achomesteader

    GT Fanatic

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 8128
  • 867 Thanks
  • 2,231 posts
  • Location: Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Posted August 07, 2012 - 05:49 AM

Thanks Maynard! :laughingteeth:

#209 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted August 07, 2012 - 04:30 PM

Posted Image
  • HDWildBill said thank you

#210 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted August 07, 2012 - 07:30 PM

Sherlock and Watson



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
  • caseguy, KennyP, Toolpartzman and 1 other said thanks




Top