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Official Joke Thread


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#2056 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2016 - 03:39 PM

Kubota.jpg


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#2057 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2016 - 03:42 PM

Sometimes I just sit quietly and wonder why I'm not in a mental asylum. Then I take a look around and think.... Hey, maybe I already am!

I thought about proving it for you Baby, but I don't want to frighten you. :loosing_it: :bigrofl:


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#2058 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2016 - 08:42 PM

Wet Willie!

 

Wet Willie.jpg

 

faith.jpg


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#2059 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted August 28, 2016 - 07:34 PM

.

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#2060 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted August 29, 2016 - 10:27 AM

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Jefferson, Ohio . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO  STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR  BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. . . .

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result. '

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. . . .

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. . . I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. . . I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt  excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies. . . Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. . . . . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male), while he was performing their colonoscopies:

  1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
  2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
  3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
  4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
  5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married. '
  6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
  7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. . . '
  8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
  9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
  10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. '
  11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    And the best one of all:

  12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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#2061 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted August 29, 2016 - 01:02 PM

Now boys, consider the previous post seriously, then be thankful that you've never had a baby.
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#2062 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted August 29, 2016 - 01:19 PM

Now boys, consider the previous post seriously, then be thankful that you've never had a baby.

Women want to carp about 9 months hard labor, while men are sentenced to life. 

 

Having a baby must not be all that bad because women are always going on about how they want another one.


Edited by UncleWillie, August 29, 2016 - 01:20 PM.

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#2063 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted August 29, 2016 - 02:15 PM

Women want to carp about 9 months hard labor, while men are sentenced to life.

Having a baby must not be all that bad because women are always going on about how they want another one.


Some once told me once that labor is the same as being kicked in the testicles. I responded it must not be that bad as I hear women say they want another baby but I've never heard a man say I'd like another kick in the testicles!
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#2064 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted August 29, 2016 - 03:30 PM

Which is worse, labor or kidney stones?


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#2065 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted August 29, 2016 - 05:44 PM

A. The life sentence is for all of us.

B. The prologue and first chapter are the attraction.

C. The last eight chapters and the finale are not much fun.

D. I've never had a kidney stone so am not qualified to pass  judgement. Pun intended,  :rolling:  :rolling:


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#2066 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted August 30, 2016 - 09:55 AM

A Sea Story

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors of berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.


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#2067 Gtractor ONLINE  

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Posted August 30, 2016 - 09:04 PM

Guy walks into a bar and says I have a John Deere pullin' tractor.......  :poke:

 

Deere.jpg

 

BTW  there is a video of this pull on you-tube - the driver needed a pilot license cause he was flying!


Edited by Gtractor, August 30, 2016 - 09:05 PM.

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#2068 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted August 30, 2016 - 09:17 PM

Guy walks into a bar and says I have a John Deere pullin' tractor.......  :poke:

 

attachicon.gifDeere.jpg

 

BTW  there is a video of this pull on you-tube - the driver needed a pilot license cause he was flying!

Link?


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#2069 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2016 - 12:16 PM

Link?

What he said.


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#2070 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted September 03, 2016 - 09:25 PM

Two Isis soldiers sit in a market in Syria, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
He shows a picture and says
"This is my oldest son. He is martyr."

He flips a few more pictures and shows a second picture
"This is son number two, also a martyr!"
-
The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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