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Official Joke Thread


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#2011 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 03, 2016 - 09:30 AM

One of my favorite oldies;

 

EVIL1.jpg

 

 

 

 


Edited by LilysDad, August 03, 2016 - 09:38 AM.


#2012 olds45512 ONLINE  

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Posted August 03, 2016 - 09:32 AM

One of my favorite oldies;
 
attachicon.gifEVIL.jpg

to small to read and it's just blurry when zoomed in

#2013 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 03, 2016 - 09:39 AM

Jeez! I Blew it up a hundred per cent and still too small. Do any of you Mods have the Magical Inflater App?


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#2014 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted August 03, 2016 - 10:13 AM

Jeez! I Blew it up a hundred per cent and still too small. Do any of you Mods have the Magical Inflater App?


Email it to me and I'll handle it later.
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#2015 jpackard56 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 03, 2016 - 10:29 PM

Jeez! I Blew it up a hundred per cent and still too small. Do any of you Mods have the Magical Inflater App?

Glad it wasn't just MY eyes :thumbs:


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#2016 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 04, 2016 - 06:56 AM



This Guy Was Having A Bad Day. What He Did Next Is Hilariously Evil.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an starfish!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'starfish' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an starfish!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'starfish' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an starfish!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first starfish (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW starfish, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an starfish!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called starfish #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an starfish!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "starfish, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, starfish," and hung up.
Then I called starfish #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, starfish," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed,
"I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, starfish, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
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#2017 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 04, 2016 - 09:25 PM

https://thevalleyrep...ng-the-lottery/



#2018 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 04, 2016 - 09:26 PM

13669163_1420490691301187_4940568851953914971_n.jpg


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#2019 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 04, 2016 - 09:36 PM

I think I had one of these drivers behind me today, there seem to be a lot around here, thanks that made my day.


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#2020 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 06, 2016 - 03:44 PM

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one **** of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache."


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#2021 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 06, 2016 - 11:30 PM

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one **** of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache."

That's twisted, but I could see it happening in todays society.


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#2022 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 07, 2016 - 04:12 PM

That was a good one. Not often do you hear a joke you never heard some twist on before...
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#2023 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 07, 2016 - 05:50 PM

Ferrari.jpg


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#2024 Greasy6020 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 08, 2016 - 09:53 PM

Red bull gives you wings

Vodka gives you 4x4
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#2025 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 09, 2016 - 06:46 PM

John Deere . . .    I just don't see the attraction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

JD WTF.jpg


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