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#1996 backwoods OFFLINE  

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Posted July 03, 2016 - 06:12 PM

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#1997 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 07, 2016 - 09:01 AM

Something to think about while mowing

 


Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


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#1998 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted July 09, 2016 - 05:53 PM

13600038_10154380164867287_2396951924864888361_n.jpg

 

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#1999 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted July 10, 2016 - 07:05 PM

Something to think about while mowing

 

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha...

...Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

LOL!!!!  And true as can be!!!!

 

Smitty


Edited by Utah Smitty, July 10, 2016 - 07:06 PM.


#2000 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted July 10, 2016 - 07:12 PM

A neighbor asked me what I thought he needed to defend his home.

I suggested a 9mm, a couple clips, and a box of shells. 
A few days later, he sent me this picture and asked how to make it work.

I'm not sure, but I suspect he will vote for Hillary.

What do you think? 

 

9mm and Shells.jpg


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#2001 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2016 - 06:22 PM

Let's see you do this with your pretty John Deere 318 with the 3pt hitch; http://www.liveleak....=cab_1397808005


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#2002 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2016 - 08:52 PM

Let's see you do this with your pretty John Deere 318 with the 3pt hitch; http://www.liveleak....=cab_1397808005

Can't.. 3pt hitch would catch during the back flip stopping a full rotation.....

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#2003 Greasy6020 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 13, 2016 - 09:43 AM

Here's a joke... My social life!
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#2004 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted July 13, 2016 - 04:26 PM

What girls hear when you are talking about tractors.

 


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#2005 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted July 13, 2016 - 06:06 PM

Enjoy..no points please!

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#2006 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted July 14, 2016 - 06:27 AM

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#2007 HANKG OFFLINE  

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Posted July 14, 2016 - 03:28 PM

An old man rides into town on his mule, he tie's it to the hitch in front of the saloon,

       when out comes a young buck and asked the old man if he liked to dance

he then pulled his six shooter and began shooting at the old mans feet

making him dance, after the last shot the old man went to his mule pulled his carbine and asked

the young buck if he ever licked a mules ass ? No... replied the young man but I always wanted to....


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#2008 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 18, 2016 - 01:27 PM

Why old men don't get the jobs.....

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man : "My honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness."

Older Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think."

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#2009 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 18, 2016 - 06:17 PM

toilet seat.jpg energy drink.jpg


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#2010 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted July 19, 2016 - 08:50 PM

Picture of the week. Drinking & cutting grass can cause your A/C not to work... Please be careful!

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