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Official Joke Thread


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#1981 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 28, 2016 - 08:10 PM

"Sayings (Cont.)"

- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

- When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

- My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way !

- There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

- Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

- I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

- I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

- I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

- If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

- Money is the root of all wealth.

- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery...


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#1982 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted June 30, 2016 - 09:40 AM

A real woman is a man's best friend...
 
 
 
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
 
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.
 
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
 
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires.
 
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room..
 
She will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and
invincible...
 
 
No wait...
 
 
 
Sorry...  
 
 
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.   :beer: 

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#1983 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted July 02, 2016 - 08:04 AM

FB_IMG_1467341830849.jpg
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#1984 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted July 02, 2016 - 09:22 AM

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Did it work for you Al?

#1985 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted July 02, 2016 - 12:48 PM

Did it work for you Al?


No, it did not
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#1986 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted July 02, 2016 - 12:55 PM

No, it did not

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#1987 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted July 02, 2016 - 04:32 PM

Works just fine for me!



#1988 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted July 02, 2016 - 05:08 PM

No, it did not


Poor guy.😏

#1989 backwoods OFFLINE  

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Posted July 03, 2016 - 06:12 PM

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#1990 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 07, 2016 - 09:01 AM

Something to think about while mowing

 


Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


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#1991 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted July 09, 2016 - 05:53 PM

13600038_10154380164867287_2396951924864888361_n.jpg

 

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#1992 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted July 10, 2016 - 07:05 PM

Something to think about while mowing

 

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha...

...Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

LOL!!!!  And true as can be!!!!

 

Smitty


Edited by Utah Smitty, July 10, 2016 - 07:06 PM.


#1993 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted July 10, 2016 - 07:12 PM

A neighbor asked me what I thought he needed to defend his home.

I suggested a 9mm, a couple clips, and a box of shells. 
A few days later, he sent me this picture and asked how to make it work.

I'm not sure, but I suspect he will vote for Hillary.

What do you think? 

 

9mm and Shells.jpg


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#1994 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2016 - 06:22 PM

Let's see you do this with your pretty John Deere 318 with the 3pt hitch; http://www.liveleak....=cab_1397808005


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#1995 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2016 - 08:52 PM

Let's see you do this with your pretty John Deere 318 with the 3pt hitch; http://www.liveleak....=cab_1397808005

Can't.. 3pt hitch would catch during the back flip stopping a full rotation.....

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