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Official Joke Thread


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#1951 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2016 - 11:00 AM

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Julie, who was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked what she’d like to have for her birthday since it wasn’t far off.

 

“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

 

On the morning of her birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.

 

What a day!

 

I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

 

We staggered out of the theme park five hours later. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald’s and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

 

She finally wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.

 

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

 

“I meant my dress size, you danged idiot!!!”

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!!!


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#1952 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2016 - 11:03 AM

The Norskie’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

 

‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded.

 

‘Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’

 

The Norkski immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.’

 

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

 

‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’

 

She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’

 

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’

 

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

 

‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?’

 

She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’

 

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb ... Tidy yerself up a bit.’


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#1953 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2016 - 11:24 AM

Horse playing dead!

 

https://www.facebook...100010012096073


Edited by LilysDad, June 08, 2016 - 06:17 PM.

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#1954 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted June 09, 2016 - 06:26 AM

.

Attached Thumbnails

  • kidskittensnot.jpg

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#1955 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted June 10, 2016 - 08:42 AM

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."


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#1956 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted June 10, 2016 - 09:38 AM

13331075_1028747890496224_1312117570307366566_n.jpg


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#1957 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 10, 2016 - 07:32 PM

Helpful Cowboy

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time,attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a cowboy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The cowboy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


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#1958 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted June 11, 2016 - 12:00 PM

:say_what: :say_what:


https://youtu.be/ij_5TMwqi4A

Edited by MH81, June 11, 2016 - 12:07 PM.
Removed unusable Facebook link and found it on YouTube.


#1959 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 12, 2016 - 09:19 PM

ee3c4a4867ab4c6907132aeedca8abfe.jpg

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#1960 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 13, 2016 - 02:57 PM

How do you know you are shopping in Texas?

 


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#1961 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted June 13, 2016 - 08:40 PM

I love Mnozil Brass!!!!  I played euphonium (baritone) in a German Brass Band back in the 80's while in the Army, but don't hold a candle to these guys.

 

Smitty


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#1962 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 14, 2016 - 06:00 PM

Southern Ingenuity
One morning 3 South Carolina good ole boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Greenville train station heading to Charlotte for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.



The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...

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#1963 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted June 15, 2016 - 06:21 AM

So you want to get fit??

 



#1964 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 15, 2016 - 12:06 PM

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#1965 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted June 20, 2016 - 04:26 PM

For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles

 

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

 

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

 

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

 

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me:

 

two police officers, 

a private investigator,

and a psychiatrist.

 


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