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Official Joke Thread


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#1936 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted June 01, 2016 - 04:29 PM

10470606_1523435114561807_2507977970493942803_n.jpg

 

1964785_1432611146977538_78469912_n.jpg


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#1937 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted June 02, 2016 - 05:49 AM

WHEN A MALE BIRD CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE !!!

 

bird.jpg


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#1938 Sawdust OFFLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 10:12 AM

This guy was waiting at the doctors office for his test results. The doc came out rather fast & said we have bad news & worse news. The bad news is you only have 24 hours to live. The man said well what could be worse than that? The doc says we've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

#1939 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 02:40 PM

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

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#1940 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 03:09 PM

Good story!  But. . . . .    I thought Native Americans would just shake a turtle shell and chant something; not go to a vet.


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#1941 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 05:13 PM

Good story!  But. . . . .    I thought Native Americans would just shake a turtle shell and chant something; not go to a vet.


No, no.
That's when we want to tell the weather.
Or get the lotto numbers
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#1942 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 06:05 PM

No, no.
That's when we want to tell the weather.
Or get the lotto numbers

Or put Mojos on someone... :rocker2:


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#1943 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 06:46 PM

Wait, what? Alan are you one too? Man! Them Cherokees are hiding everywhere.


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#1944 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 07:12 PM

Creek..as in God Willing and the Creek dont rise..


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#1945 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted June 03, 2016 - 08:55 PM

Not Cherokee, Seneca.
Pretty diluted, several great'S in front of Grandma... but we have a picture of her.

Possibly of the same clan as Chief Cornplanter, but that's more rumor than provable
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#1946 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 04, 2016 - 06:29 AM

Yes David, I knew your affiliation. When I was younger all I ever wanted was to own a horse and to be Native American. My hair was blonde and curly; I wanted black and straight. The closest I ever got was >sigh< German Swiss.


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#1947 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted June 04, 2016 - 09:09 AM

A SENIORS PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK.  AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

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#1948 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 04, 2016 - 04:12 PM

http://www.wimp.com/...nd-multitasker/


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#1949 Greasy6020 ONLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2016 - 09:04 AM

How to cold start human

Spray starting fluid (coffee) into air intake (nose) and turn key (piercing on chest, figure out where...) crank for no more than 15 seconds per minute.

Repeat as necessary to cold start humans.
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#1950 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2016 - 10:53 AM

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

 

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

 

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

 

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.


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