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Official Joke Thread


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#181 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

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Posted April 04, 2012 - 09:16 AM

Back in great form Maynard :thumbs: :thumbs:
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#182 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted April 04, 2012 - 09:21 AM

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

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#183 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted April 05, 2012 - 04:40 AM

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

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#184 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted April 06, 2012 - 04:26 AM

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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#185 achomesteader OFFLINE  

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Posted April 06, 2012 - 04:57 AM

Thanks for the laughs Maynard. :rofl2:
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#186 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted April 06, 2012 - 05:17 AM

Good ones, Maynard! Thanks!
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#187 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2012 - 11:22 AM


A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS
HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE
BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT, ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS
OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND
AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS, "OKAY, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT BILLY,
WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"


BILLY SAYS, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."


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#188 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2012 - 11:29 AM

This has to be the best explanation of ABS vehicle brakes that I have ever seen, with perfect graphic, technical visuals.


ABS Brakes explained

ABSbrakes.jpg
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#189 wvbuzzmaster OFFLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2012 - 11:46 AM

Doug, I like that explanation, very funny. :)

#190 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2012 - 07:33 PM

I thought that was the difference between me and my wife stopping for a stop sign!
:bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl:
Thanks Doug, those are both good ones!

#191 middleageddeere OFFLINE  

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Posted July 05, 2012 - 09:16 AM

hoo hoo jokes are always good.

#192 Tencubed OFFLINE  

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Posted July 05, 2012 - 06:01 PM

That's like the wealthy woman who saw asparagus growing in the wild for the first time.

"My Goodness!!" she proclaimed, "I always thought the cook braided the ends."

US


Many years ago some city folks stopped at a service station (remember those?) and as the attendant was washing the windshield the driver ask him what kind of crop was growing in the fields. The attendant ask what they looked like and the description was "It's about a foot tall mostly, all yellow gold and really even". The driver was describing wheat stubble of course. Without missing a beat he told these unsuspecting city folk "Oh, thats spaghetti that's about ready to harvest". The folks went on their way having learned something new on their trip.

I've often wondered how long it was before they found out they had been tricked.

Mike
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#193 GTTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2012 - 09:31 AM

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him. "Hey, are you okay, what's your name?" "Willis," he replied. "Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it." After a hearty drink and sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , "she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"
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#194 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2012 - 06:59 PM

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Rusty at Costco and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm always polite, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Costco banned me for three months, and my picture is on the wall.
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#195 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2012 - 07:02 PM

Now that's one I have to memorize... :bounce:




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