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Official Joke Thread


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#1921 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 23, 2016 - 04:04 PM

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

She turns to the ostrich, and he says "I'll have the same."

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"OK," the waitress says. "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


Edited by LilysDad, May 23, 2016 - 04:10 PM.

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#1922 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted May 24, 2016 - 06:08 AM

13220960_1709694799248190_3322150945063834275_n.jpg


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#1923 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 24, 2016 - 07:39 AM

Yup! That stuff can jump 3 feet and get on your clothes. . . . .   from a closed bottle.


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#1924 CRFarnsworth OFFLINE  

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Posted May 24, 2016 - 10:19 AM

Yup! That stuff can jump 3 feet and get on your clothes. . . . .   from a closed bottle.

 

AMEN !



#1925 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted May 24, 2016 - 01:07 PM

Yup! That stuff can jump 3 feet and get on your clothes. . . . .   from a closed bottle.

It usually has help there..  @ work we had some pranksters on another crew who hated the dude I work with..  They left the elevator door open on the roof and loaded up the stair tower door handle with the stuff..  The bad news was that they didn't clue in their co-worker..  She spotted the elevator on the roof and, not wanting to hear the BS from my buddy went up to close the elevator doors..  

 

Needless to say she was extremely PO'ed when she grabbed that handle!!   :(  :mad2:  :mad2:   I heard her swearing and complaining up a storm on the PA but really couldn't understand just what she was saying..   :good_job:

 

Needless to say the elevator games stopped shortly afterward..  She read them the riot act the next day for sure!   :yeah_that:   So that picture reminded me of that day..  Still makes me laugh when I recall it!!.  She was so flustered her cheeks were bright red..   :wtf:


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, May 25, 2016 - 03:56 PM.

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#1926 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 24, 2016 - 02:36 PM

The Blond And The Mercedes
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had
just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty
blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking
price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to
that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on
this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how
could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the
keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the
price.
See you later, grandpa.”
Never mess with the elderly!

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#1927 camdigger OFFLINE  

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Posted May 25, 2016 - 11:54 AM

attachicon.gif13220960_1709694799248190_3322150945063834275_n.jpg

If you think an 8 oz bottle of never seize is bad, imagine a workplace where that kind of compound is supplied in 5 gallon pails and slathered around with a 3" diameter brush.......

Thread compound for oilfield tubular steel is very similar to never seize. Grease base with high amounts of powdered metal..... Here's a true story...... Classic pair of workers... One a small, yippy little character and the other a lumbering, normally good natured, giant. While pulling the drilling assembly out of the hole, about an hour in Yippy gets bored and starts to pester the Friendly Giant by dipping his fingers into the mud and flicking it into the Giant's face. After several warnings to cease and desist, Yippy refused to stop. Finally, the Friendly Giant had had enough. During one of the regular Lulls in their duty, he grabbed Yippy by the scruff of the neck and knocking Yippy's hard hat off in the process, stuck Yippy's head into the nearly empty pail of thread compound up to the shoulders, filling his ears, nose, and mouth with thread compound..... Then then dope fight was on. By the time the whole string was out of the hole, there was thread compound splattered 10' up the Derrick legs and all over the inside of the doghouse on the floor, and all over all the stair rails. No one on the whole location went unscathed. I was told after the fact, that there was even thread compound on the ceiling of both the crew change room, and the crew bathroom. Neither Yippy nor the Friendly Giant lost their jobs, but they did do a lot of scrubbing for the rest of the job.

Edited by camdigger, May 25, 2016 - 11:56 AM.

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#1928 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted May 25, 2016 - 06:43 PM

First off, I am or will be okay.
 
 
 
 
I had a terrible accident yesterday, but I am doing better now...
 
 
 
 
So I decided to go horseback riding, which I haven't done in quite a while. Well, I got on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster, and then we were going as fast as the horse could go. All of a sudden I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle.
 
 
 
It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around and around.
 
 
 
Thank goodness the store manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the carousel.
 

Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, May 25, 2016 - 06:44 PM.

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#1929 Sawdust OFFLINE  

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Posted May 26, 2016 - 09:08 PM

True story: My wife was telling a couple of her friends how she takes Melatonin at night to help her sleep. One lady says how many to you take, my wife said just one. I asked what would happen if you took two, my wife said she would probably sleep all day. I said why don't you take one at night & two in the morning. Needless to say she didn't think that was funny...the other guys liked the idea.
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#1930 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 28, 2016 - 08:23 AM

Fart-Story-FB-Upload.png

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ...

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

fart-story-image-quote.jpg

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry - I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “Am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “Is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it!  UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you ...” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I screamed like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re ...”

“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this ... “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.


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#1931 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted May 28, 2016 - 12:28 PM

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#1932 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted May 28, 2016 - 12:30 PM

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#1933 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted May 30, 2016 - 06:16 AM

Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a local bar. 
 The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says, "You know where New York is?"
 The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where New York is."
 
The Newfie says, "Well bye, you just drive north of dere about 6 hours, turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're there in Newfoundland."
 
The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!"
 
 The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus bye", I tink you might be right....... I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"
 

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#1934 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 30, 2016 - 04:46 PM

 
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#1935 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 31, 2016 - 08:08 AM

 
 
 
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