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Official Joke Thread


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#1906 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 16, 2016 - 09:37 AM

http://zanylol.com/speed_sign.html :thumbs: :D


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#1907 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted May 17, 2016 - 11:39 AM

Not so much humor as it is amazing.
First half is better than second, but well worth a watch

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#1908 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted May 17, 2016 - 11:46 AM

Not so much humor as it is amazing.
First half is better than second, but well worth a watch

Wow!



#1909 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 17, 2016 - 02:34 PM

They must be magnetized.



#1910 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted May 17, 2016 - 03:50 PM

Looks impressive, but it is an optical illusion. 



#1911 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 17, 2016 - 06:58 PM

pillars.jpg


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#1912 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted May 17, 2016 - 08:52 PM

That was found out to be the pillars that lower themselves..but it is a cool photo.


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#1913 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 20, 2016 - 06:04 PM

The giant black centipede
This isn't strictly a joke, and I know some of you are probably thankful. This is a true story that I wanted to share, at my expense. It's sort-of humorous, but you can be the judge.

I would be about willing to wager that there are thousands of these creatures at any given time. So please be careful if you make contact in the way I did. It's an encounter that could prove deadly!

Also: I am 100% certain that I will convince you that such creatures exist at the end of my story.

Some years ago, I was driving home from work late one night from my shift as a 911 dispatcher. It was a nice, warm night and I remember I had the window down. I had just rounded a curve and saw in the beams of my headlight the strangest creature I had ever seen. It appeared almost completely black and had numerous legs on one side. I would say the height of the creature would be about eight or nine inches to the back. I knew it wasn't an armadillo because I was familiar with those. Besides, the body above the legs seemed to be perfectly smooth. I couldn't detect a head, as it seemed to be shadowed, or I just wasn't focused on it. All I remember was those numerous legs! Quickly it disappeared in the high weeds next to the road. I'm not one to scare easily, but I was really rattled by the sight of that animal. I remember I slowed the car to a crawl and kept my eyes fixed on the rearview mirror. What concerned me most was that there was a house close by where the creature entered the weeds. What was it and what threat could it pose to those residents?

I didn't have a cell phone at the time, so I couldn't call it in at that moment. And what was I going to tell our dispatcher? That I had seen a giant black centipede in the road? So I decided to drive the two miles to my home and maybe call it in from there.

Well, I didn't call it in because by the time I'd got home I had mostly convinced myself that I hadn't seen what I had seen. There just aren't any creatures like that, surely! But I had to do something, I felt, so I went back to the area where I thought I'd seen the creature, armed with my .40 and a flashlight. I slowed to a stop at the area and shined my light in the wooded area next to the house. I recall I heard a dog barking and wondered if it hadn't cornered that mysterious creature that I had almost convinced myself I hadn't seen. But I couldn't see the dog through the underbrush. I also couldn't see any signs of a giant black centipede.

So I drove back home, satisfied that the dog might be the best deterrent for any creatures, real or imagined. Even so, I suppressed about every scenario from every bad horror movie that went through my mind. Reason prevailed, and I just had to admit that I couldn't really tell for certain what I had seen. I just hoped and prayed that whatever it was was harmless, even if it was nothing but a figment of my imagination.

The very next day, in broad daylight, I was driving along that road. I slowed and looked towards the house, where there were several people, including a couple of children, in the yard.

And then I saw the creature, very close to them! And I could positively identify it in the bright sunlight!

A black-and-tan female dachsund with the longest nipples I have ever seen on a dog. They moved back and forth as the dog moved, making the nipples look almost like legs. And I realized that was probably the same dog that was barking at a fool who was looking for a giant black centipede the night before. biggrin.gif

So if you see one on the road, please be careful!

Edited by LilysDad, May 20, 2016 - 06:05 PM.

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#1914 29 Chev OFFLINE  

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Posted May 21, 2016 - 03:50 PM

Not a joke but a true life story from a few years ago that may make you smile.

 

A friend of mine has an auto wrecking business and also does 24 hour towing and as a results gets dispatched to a lot of traffic collisions.  One evening he was called to a car / cow collision to remove the vehicle that had hit the cow.  When he arrived there was a mid thirties female O.P.P. officer on the scene and the cow was lying down on the side of the road still quite alive.  As my friend began to hook up the car to remove it from the scene he glanced over at the officer and noticed that she seemed nervous so he asked her if everything was all right.  The officer explained that she was from the city and had just transferred to the area (which consists of smaller towns in a rural agricultural setting) and didn't have much experience dealing with farm animals and was concerned about the cow and asked my friend if he thought it might charge in its injured state.  My friend, who has a quick wit and a sense of humour, looked at the officer for several seconds and replied in a serious tone - " Only if it's a female with a credit card!"


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#1915 Greasy6020 ONLINE  

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Posted May 21, 2016 - 08:17 PM

Why do I love my truck more than my gf???

#1916 Diesel1050 ONLINE  

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Posted May 22, 2016 - 08:05 AM

Why do I love my truck more than my gf???

Much cheaper? Doesn't complain when you give it something?
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#1917 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 22, 2016 - 09:10 AM

Accepts you as you are?


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#1918 diesel nut OFFLINE  

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Posted May 22, 2016 - 01:05 PM

Why do I love my truck more than my gf???

Doesn't get mad if you have more than one truck


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#1919 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted May 22, 2016 - 01:56 PM

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."


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#1920 Greasy6020 ONLINE  

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Posted May 22, 2016 - 02:57 PM

Why do I love my truck more than my gf???


Edited for content.
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