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Official Joke Thread


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#1861 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2016 - 05:47 AM

Should children witness childbirth? 

Here's your answer.
 
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'


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#1862 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2016 - 07:19 AM

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
 
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
 
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I
had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
 
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. 
 
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled; 'Hey, Batman,what's for dinner?

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#1863 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2016 - 11:33 AM

tadpole.jpg Trying to figure out how to upload photos..

 


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#1864 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted April 27, 2016 - 06:56 PM

This is a Baaaaaaaad one.

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#1865 Delmar OFFLINE  

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Posted April 27, 2016 - 07:35 PM

a blond, a brunette, and a red head were at the doctor's office for their regular pregnancy exams.  They were sitting in the waiting room and were talking about the moment of conception.  The red head said, "well, I was on top, so that means I'm having a boy"  The brunette said, "I was on the bottom so that means I'm having a girl."  The blond starting crying.  The other two girls tried to comfort her, and asked her what was wrong.  the blond replied "I guess that means I'm having puppies!"


Edited by Delmar, April 27, 2016 - 07:35 PM.

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#1866 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 27, 2016 - 10:34 PM

85005598.jpg


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#1867 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 28, 2016 - 03:56 AM

Cat has been partying too hard

85003137.jpg


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#1868 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted April 28, 2016 - 11:18 AM

13092009_952068421558776_701328494228008

13083157_10207979138889383_8357758459797


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#1869 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted April 30, 2016 - 03:31 PM

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
 


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#1870 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 30, 2016 - 05:56 PM

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.
The Constable said “Is this your wife sir?”

Shocked I answered “Yes”

They said “We’re afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”.

I said “I know, but she has a lovely personality & she’s good with the kids”.


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#1871 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2016 - 05:00 PM

IMG_20160502_175935.jpg
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#1872 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2016 - 05:47 PM


 
Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,
'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Was it me who just farted?

Edited by LilysDad, May 02, 2016 - 05:48 PM.

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#1873 limebuzz OFFLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2016 - 08:59 PM

I chuckled,Daughter found this on the web,and thought of me.

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#1874 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2016 - 12:35 AM

Everyone has a right to be stupid once in a while. Politicians tend to abuse the privilege.
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#1875 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2016 - 01:52 PM

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