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Official Joke Thread


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#1846 olds45512 ONLINE  

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Posted April 21, 2016 - 09:59 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

(Even when drunk as a skunk.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'.

She didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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#1847 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 12:21 AM

I changed my password to "incorrect" so when I forget it the computer will remind me by saying " your password is incorrect"


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#1848 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 07:20 AM

image.jpeg image.jpeg image.jpeg
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#1849 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 07:31 AM

Sorry, I'm unable to blow this up. Try using the Google Magnifier.



#1850 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 07:39 AM

I broke it into three pieces for you.
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#1851 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 07:43 AM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he decided he
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem -- how to
carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little
old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me
how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry
this lot."

The old lady suggested: "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under
each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the
old girl home. On the way he said: "Let's take my shortcut and
go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said: "I
am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the
wall and have your way with me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied: "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."

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#1852 CRFarnsworth ONLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 07:57 AM

I broke it into three pieces for you.

 

YOU BROKE IT????   :(          :wallbanging:         :firejumper:                 


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#1853 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 01:22 PM

BREAKING NEWS
Here we have a picture of GTTalk's most Thesbian Moderator on his way to the Shakopee MN Civic Theater's dress rehearsal of "Flashdance, The Musical"
image.jpeg


Actually, this is a picture of a Customer's cat who had to be shaved due to matting and its owner made it a sweat shirt as the temps are still chilly at night.

As soon as I saw the thing, I had the song Maniac pop in my head for some reason. LOL
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#1854 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 02:05 PM

Cat has been partying too hard


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#1855 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 02:07 PM

BREAKING NEWS
Here we have a picture of GTTalk's most Thesbian Moderator on his way to the Shakopee MN Civic Theater's dress rehearsal of "Flashdance, The Musical"
attachicon.gifimage.jpeg


Actually, this is a picture of a Customer's cat who had to be shaved due to matting and its owner made it a sweat shirt as the temps are still chilly at night.

As soon as I saw the thing, I had the song Maniac pop in my head for some reason. LOL

I liked the first explanation better!!


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#1856 Gtractor ONLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 08:59 PM

Free to a good home.  A small pickup load of netwrap.  Only used once.  First come - first serve.

 

netwrap.jpg


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#1857 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted April 22, 2016 - 10:00 PM

Saw a Murry mower pulling a push mower today...cutting grass...guy said he couldn't keep a belt on the deck..used it that way for 2 years now.. :(


Edited by Auburn David, April 22, 2016 - 10:01 PM.

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#1858 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted April 23, 2016 - 06:20 AM

Who is the hottest of them all?
Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together. Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure? Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.' Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Jennifer Lopez followed next and said, ‘The mirror says I am definitely the sexiest of them all!’

Brad Pitt walked in with a frown and said "Who the **** is CAT?

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#1859 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 23, 2016 - 08:06 PM

Free to a good home.  A small pickup load of netwrap.  Only used once.  First come - first serve.

 

attachicon.gifnetwrap.jpg

That white and green stuff is awful, the black stuff is a lot nicer.


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#1860 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted April 24, 2016 - 06:58 AM

A music artist with a sense of humor

I didn't know what I found funnier... The pompus looks from the guys or the "I just stepped in something " looks she keeps giving them.
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