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Official Joke Thread


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#1816 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 07, 2016 - 11:04 PM

Things that make you scratch your head,

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#1817 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2016 - 10:11 AM

Bought these for my blonde daughter.
She didn't hit me.
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#1818 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2016 - 01:51 PM

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#1819 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2016 - 02:30 PM

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#1820 29 Chev ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2016 - 07:11 PM

A young man from the city decided to give farming a try. With spring coming he thought it would be a great idea to get some baby chicks figuring that after a few months he would have fresh eggs.  He did some reading to find out the best method to be successful and after checking several sources decided that he would purchase 20 baby chicks and give it a try.  Sadly after a couple of days he found that all of the chicks had died.  Not one to be discouraged he again did some more research and purchased 20 more baby chicks with thigh hopes.  Sadly after a couple of days they all died as well.  He decided to have one more go so he did some more in depth research and purchased another 20 baby chicks confident that this time he had figured out what he was doing wrong.  Unfortunately this time the chicks all died as well.  At this point he emailed the Department Of Agriculture and explained in great detail his problem in hopes that they could provide an answer as to why the chicks were dying.  He received the following response.  “After studying your case in great detail we have come to the following conclusions as to why the baby chicks are dying - you are either planting the chicks too deep or too close together!”   


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#1821 29 Chev ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2016 - 07:17 PM

As I get older

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#1822 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2016 - 09:05 PM

UN survey
Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was :
Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?
The survey was a failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't now what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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#1823 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 10, 2016 - 05:15 PM

A Texas State

Trooper was patrolling late at night off the mainhighway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get acloser look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading
a magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the
rear seat, filing her fingernails.


Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car
and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm
reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat
the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane . .
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young
man'? The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her
age'? The young man looks at his watch and replies:
'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes . .


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#1824 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted April 11, 2016 - 06:27 PM

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.   Awesome!!!   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?     There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?   So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.   The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.   All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"   What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....   I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.   I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!   I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"   Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.   SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!   A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.   Still in shock...
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#1825 CRFarnsworth ONLINE  

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Posted April 11, 2016 - 07:14 PM

I won't type what my wife just said! 


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#1826 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 11, 2016 - 09:35 PM

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#1827 jpackard56 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 12, 2016 - 06:55 AM

The next time anybody thinks about giving any lip to an Ohio State Trooper remember first, being tasered is part of their training process here. The military didn't even do that to us when I was in...David don't know if you were joking or not but your description is spot on, even so and as bad as it is I laughed till I cried when I read you post. :thumbs:

Thanks,

Jim


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#1828 jpackard56 OFFLINE  

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Posted April 12, 2016 - 06:56 AM

Wasn't much different in Ohio this last weeek either !


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#1829 Texas Deere and Horse OFFLINE  

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Posted April 12, 2016 - 10:50 AM

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."

 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

 

 

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


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#1830 diesel nut ONLINE  

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Posted April 12, 2016 - 11:54 AM

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, 
leggy, busty blonde. 
 
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
 
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
 
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa.”
 
Never mess with the elderly!
 

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