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Official Joke Thread


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#1696 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted February 28, 2016 - 04:23 PM

A husband, thinking he was funny after one of those " do you think these jeans make me look fat" discussions with his wife, said, "perhaps you should wash your clothes in 'Slim Fast', maybe it would take a few inches off your butt". His wife was not amused. Next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little cloud of dust appeared when he shook them out. "L...." he hollered, "Why did you put talcum powder in my shorts?" She replied with a snicker, "That's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow'!"



When will guys learn they'll never win in one of these situations?
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#1697 TAHOE OFFLINE  

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Posted February 29, 2016 - 08:32 AM

One morning a wife said to her husband, 'I think I want a breast enlargement".

Husband 'Why don't you just take some toilet paper and rub on your breasts 3 or 4 times a day"

Wife, "what good is that going to do?"

Husband, "You have been doing it on your butt for all these years, look how big it's gotten! :smilewink:

 

Doctors say husband should be able to see out of his left eye in a couple weeks. :D


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#1698 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted March 01, 2016 - 09:31 PM

A young lass & her tractor!


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#1699 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted March 01, 2016 - 10:14 PM

d3c212eb12e07e18ffc205040d1cb896.jpg

Sorry Tahoe I think your spelling was a little off.

That pic reminds me of my week in Pa several years ago for my brothers wedding. I went to a store and parked the WarWagon in front of the door in an empty spot. When I came out there was a horse and buggy sitting behind my truck. Two Amish guys were across the parking lot talking. I waited a respectable amount of time and then asked , "Is this your buggy?". One of them nodded at me and then continued talking. I asked if he could move it. He ignored me. I asked again a bit louder and he again ignored me. I then yelled, "I hope you have another one at home." He looked at me with a why on his face. I yelled,"In 10 seconds I am running this one over." He immediately came and led the horse and buggy away. He didn't have a very holy expression on his face.


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#1700 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2016 - 07:59 AM

Sure! Everybody ridicules the Amish until they pass your least favorite truck pulled over to take a leak. Then it's all over the internet!!!


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#1701 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2016 - 08:08 AM

Sure! Everybody ridicules the Amish until they pass your least favorite truck pulled over to take a leak. Then it's all over the internet!!!

That's because the truck shouldn't have to take a leak!


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#1702 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2016 - 01:59 PM

 
 

 

 
53a20361ff3b8745f61f49b0ae02e4f3.jpg

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#1703 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2016 - 09:02 PM

trash.jpg


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#1704 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2016 - 09:02 PM

12791020_1168216993202446_4729871455068240275_n.jpg


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#1705 olds45512 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2016 - 10:33 PM

A farmer drives across his field one day in his tractor, when half ways across the field the tractor breaks down. "Damn it" he said. 


He sees his wife in the farm yard feeding the chickens, he catches her attention and shouts to her and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix the engine in his tractor. 

His wife cannot hear him and raises her arms in the air to indicate this. The farmers shouts over again louder this time and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix his tractor. 

This carries on for a while with the farmer and his wife until eventually she makes out what he is saying. 

As soon as she realized what he was saying she signaled back. She put both hands on her breasts, then on her crotch and then on her backside. 

The farmer looked at her with a very puzzled stare, he couldn't believe what she was doing. His wife repeated this over and over until eventually the farmer gave up and walked over to the farm yard. 

He walked up to his wife very irate and shouted at her "I told you to bring me over a pair of pliers for my tractor, it was broken down" 

His wife snapped back "yeah, but I told you, there was a pair in the box under the seat".

 


 


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#1706 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted March 04, 2016 - 05:20 AM

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was:
 
 
 
I said, "Fried chicken."
 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
 
Guess where I am now...

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#1707 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 04, 2016 - 01:55 PM

 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was:
 
 
 
I said, "Fried chicken."
 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
 
Guess where I am now...

 

So wrong and so true on so many levels. Lol.


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#1708 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 04, 2016 - 01:56 PM

A farmer drives across his field one day in his tractor, when half ways across the field the tractor breaks down. "Damn it" he said. 


He sees his wife in the farm yard feeding the chickens, he catches her attention and shouts to her and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix the engine in his tractor. 

His wife cannot hear him and raises her arms in the air to indicate this. The farmers shouts over again louder this time and signals with his hand that he needs a pair of pliers to fix his tractor. 

This carries on for a while with the farmer and his wife until eventually she makes out what he is saying. 

As soon as she realized what he was saying she signaled back. She put both hands on her breasts, then on her crotch and then on her backside. 

The farmer looked at her with a very puzzled stare, he couldn't believe what she was doing. His wife repeated this over and over until eventually the farmer gave up and walked over to the farm yard. 

He walked up to his wife very irate and shouted at her "I told you to bring me over a pair of pliers for my tractor, it was broken down" 

His wife snapped back "yeah, but I told you, there was a pair in the box under the seat".

 

 

I laughed so hard at this, I have a similar one but don't think I should post it.


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#1709 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 04, 2016 - 07:50 PM

I can't remember if this was on here before

 

Archery Story

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40-horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down?* That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a three-foot hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let's face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a one pound can of dad's muzzleloader pyrodex. At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... one pound of pyrodex and sixteen ounces of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 feet and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH, OH, he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a blank look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. ****. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering one foot above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE - CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2,000 feet over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been complaining about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

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#1710 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 04, 2016 - 09:51 PM

I can't remember if this was on here before

Archery Story

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40-horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down?* That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a three-foot hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let's face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a one pound can of dad's muzzleloader pyrodex. At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... one pound of pyrodex and sixteen ounces of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 feet and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH, OH, he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a blank look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. ****. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering one foot above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE - CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2,000 feet over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been complaining about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

I laughed soooo hard!! Woke my wife from her nap and everything I was so loud.
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