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Official Joke Thread

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#1666 LilysDad OFFLINE  


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Posted February 16, 2016 - 08:15 PM

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up...3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one,
stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder...a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head...almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behaviorfor the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that the re is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like ****. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear....not wanting to admit that I had one something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there.

I asked him to call somebody to come get me...I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could...I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the **** out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider...a "city folk"...I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the schmuck that tried to rope the deer.

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#1667 petrj6 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 16, 2016 - 08:43 PM

   Oh man that is to funny !!!!  is that true?  I have a very similar story about an emu  I will share later.

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#1668 shorty ONLINE  



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Posted February 16, 2016 - 08:46 PM

I rode an emu at a rodeo just for a free ticket to get in.
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#1669 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted February 17, 2016 - 02:05 PM

Had a doe chase me out of the woods one year and almost beat my dog to death..we were just hiking...

#1670 LilysDad OFFLINE  


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Posted February 17, 2016 - 03:44 PM

   Oh man that is to funny !!!!  is that true?

It's true for someone. If you try, it could be true for you.

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#1671 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  


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Posted February 19, 2016 - 02:25 PM



:rocker2:  :dancingbanana:  :wave:

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#1672 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  


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Posted February 19, 2016 - 10:52 PM

#1673 LilysDad OFFLINE  


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Posted February 20, 2016 - 07:17 AM

I'm not even going to open that!

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#1674 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 08:06 AM

I'm not even going to open that!


I'd delete it for being questionable, but I'm too scared to click on it also.

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#1675 Diesel1050 ONLINE  


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Posted February 20, 2016 - 08:07 AM

It's ok...couple of guys covering their junk with an omlette pan....
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#1676 Marty'70 OFFLINE  


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Posted February 20, 2016 - 09:21 AM

I'd delete it for being questionable, but I'm too scared to click on it also.

It's actually quite funny.
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#1677 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 12:45 PM

Age is only a number. Weight is only a number. I've decided that numbers are really starting to p*ss me off!
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#1678 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  



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Posted February 20, 2016 - 02:03 PM

Only A Boy

I remembered the first time I tried it
I was only a kid of fifteen
And even though she was much younger than I
she was far more composed and serene
I was eager yet awkwardly backward
uncertain of how to proceed
But she seemed now to notice the hesitance
with which I prepared to the deed
It was out in the barn I remember
at the close of a bright summer day
And the evening was accented with clover in bloom
and the fragrance of freshly mown hay
I remember she made no objections
showed no evidence of alarm
For I loved her and she loved me
since she came to live on the farm
I remember I spoke to her softly
and cuddled her face in my hands
And I saw in the depth of wide eyes to look
of a loved one who understands
Looking back on it now I remember
how I stood while my head to spin
with the thought of the thing I was going to do
yet reluctant somehow to begin
And her eyes seemed I thought to rebuke me
for waiting, for being afraid
And even Nellie, out ancient plow horse
looked over her manger and weighed
Long later I stood up uncertain
of whether to stay or to run
A tingle with pride and yet shaken and awed
as I knew that at last it was done
I remember it seemed hours later
how my heart hammered under my blouse
with the joy of a boy that turned into a man
as I made my way back to the house
Twenty years have gone since that evening
but I've never forgotten it now
The thrill and joy that I felt as a boy
on the day when I first milked a cow


Edited by OldBuzzard, February 20, 2016 - 02:05 PM.

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#1679 UncleWillie OFFLINE  


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Posted February 20, 2016 - 04:04 PM

Ok I will not be eating at your house till you get new cookware.

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#1680 LilysDad OFFLINE  


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Posted February 24, 2016 - 07:46 AM

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
I'm hoping "political correctness" is not an issue here....I think it kind of spreads it all around!

DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from
crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed
the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it
crossed the road.

RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road
to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's
a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their
eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross
the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the
chicken cross the road? Now how about making a substantial
contribution to my foundation.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken cross the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not
taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just
drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken cross the road
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken.15.01.03-2014, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents
and balance your checkbook.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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