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Official Joke Thread


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#1666 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 07:17 AM

I'm not even going to open that!


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#1667 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 08:06 AM

I'm not even going to open that!

 

I'd delete it for being questionable, but I'm too scared to click on it also.


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#1668 Diesel1050 ONLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 08:07 AM

It's ok...couple of guys covering their junk with an omlette pan....
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#1669 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 09:21 AM

I'd delete it for being questionable, but I'm too scared to click on it also.

It's actually quite funny.
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#1670 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 12:45 PM

Age is only a number. Weight is only a number. I've decided that numbers are really starting to p*ss me off!
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#1671 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 02:03 PM

Only A Boy

I remembered the first time I tried it
I was only a kid of fifteen
And even though she was much younger than I
she was far more composed and serene
I was eager yet awkwardly backward
uncertain of how to proceed
But she seemed now to notice the hesitance
with which I prepared to the deed
It was out in the barn I remember
at the close of a bright summer day
And the evening was accented with clover in bloom
and the fragrance of freshly mown hay
I remember she made no objections
showed no evidence of alarm
For I loved her and she loved me
since she came to live on the farm
I remember I spoke to her softly
and cuddled her face in my hands
And I saw in the depth of wide eyes to look
of a loved one who understands
Looking back on it now I remember
how I stood while my head to spin
with the thought of the thing I was going to do
yet reluctant somehow to begin
And her eyes seemed I thought to rebuke me
for waiting, for being afraid
And even Nellie, out ancient plow horse
looked over her manger and weighed
Long later I stood up uncertain
of whether to stay or to run
A tingle with pride and yet shaken and awed
as I knew that at last it was done
I remember it seemed hours later
how my heart hammered under my blouse
with the joy of a boy that turned into a man
as I made my way back to the house
Twenty years have gone since that evening
but I've never forgotten it now
The thrill and joy that I felt as a boy
on the day when I first milked a cow


 


Edited by OldBuzzard, February 20, 2016 - 02:05 PM.

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#1672 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted February 20, 2016 - 04:04 PM

Ok I will not be eating at your house till you get new cookware.


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#1673 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2016 - 07:46 AM

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
I'm hoping "political correctness" is not an issue here....I think it kind of spreads it all around!

DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from
crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed
the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it
crossed the road.

RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road
to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's
a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their
eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross
the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the
chicken cross the road? Now how about making a substantial
contribution to my foundation.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken cross the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground
here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not
taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just
drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken cross the road
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken.15.01.03-2014, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents
and balance your checkbook.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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#1674 crittersf1 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2016 - 01:20 PM

Why did the blonde stare at the FORD?


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#1675 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2016 - 05:00 PM

Why did the blonde stare at the FORD?

Because it said Focus??
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#1676 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2016 - 05:00 PM

12744363_10153969116126477_7148713174512434460_n.jpg


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#1677 crittersf1 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2016 - 05:20 PM

Because it said Focus??

That's it!



#1678 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted February 25, 2016 - 08:04 AM

 

 

I used to have that as my wife's ringtone :watch_over_fence:



#1679 tater195 ONLINE  

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Posted February 25, 2016 - 08:26 AM

I used to have that as my wife's ringtone :watch_over_fence:

Mine was Loretta Lynn and Conway singing "You're the reason our kids are ugly"

 


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#1680 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 25, 2016 - 12:04 PM

Ringling bros.
A friend went to NYC to do some shopping in her new bright red VW Jetta. Her first stop was a wine merchant where she purchased a case of her favorite Chablis. She returned to the car and placed the wine in the trunk, then off to do more shopping.

She made the mistake of parking in a restricted area near MSG, a loading and unloading area.
Before the authorities were aware or took any action, the circus elephants were being unloaded for the show. As they were being led into the facility, the one, as part of it's act, that sits upright on a very large bright red stool, sat on the rear of VW instead crushing the trunk, wine included.

When she returned, she war horrified. But after she calmed down and filled out all the paperwork and insurance information, and since the car was amazingly still driveable, she decided to make her way home. Shortly after passing into CT on 95, she came up upon a multi car accident. The police were directing the traffic as she was making her way around it.

The directing officer upon seeing her vehicle motioned her to pull over. He was yelling at her something about you can't leave the scene of the accident you have been in. As he got closer, she said, 'Oh no officer, I wasn't in the accident, an elephant sat on my car.' Of course the wine odor was quite apparent to him and she was promptly arrested for DWI etc.
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