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Official Joke Thread


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#1621 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 08, 2016 - 07:30 PM

Anyone we know???
 
Quotes From Employee Appraisal Reports
1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this associate to breed.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6. He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

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#1622 pick-to-stone OFFLINE  

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Posted February 08, 2016 - 10:12 PM

lol when we catch people down in our pond we drag a buckit down with us and say we came to feed the snappin' turtles

  

I think I would put up a sign warning about the leaches!

well beside the fact this is true

#1623 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 08, 2016 - 10:24 PM

Anyone we know???

Quotes From Employee Appraisal Reports
1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this associate to breed.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6. He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Wish I could put some of these quotes on some NCOER's I had to do while I was still in the Army! Most could have been used at some point t in time.

#1624 Greasy6020 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 08, 2016 - 11:04 PM

Shower thoughts:

My best friend has a certificate saying he has received training to put his hand up a cows pooper and do other stuff while armpit deep...

What the heck was the first guy to eat an egg thinking?

Eyeglasses are like a bra for your face...

Having boobs must suck when you run...

I wonder what my cat thinks of me?

Is it a bad idea to go make a sandwich right now?

How many people have used wd40 in the time that I have been in here?

Betcha a weed eater motor on a pedal tractor would make his day...


I'll probably think of more later...

Edited by Greasy6020, February 08, 2016 - 11:05 PM.

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#1625 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 09, 2016 - 12:05 AM

 

Anyone we know???
 
Quotes From Employee Appraisal Reports
1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this associate to breed.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6. He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

That could describe several of my coworkers.



#1626 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 09, 2016 - 08:59 AM

194320-Husband-Is-Shocked-To-See-This-Man-In-His-Bedroom-But-Then-His-Wife-Said-This.jpg


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#1627 pick-to-stone OFFLINE  

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Posted February 09, 2016 - 12:17 PM

attachicon.gif194320-Husband-Is-Shocked-To-See-This-Man-In-His-Bedroom-But-Then-His-Wife-Said-This.jpg


what is this one

#1628 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 09, 2016 - 01:48 PM

I don't understand your question. Did you click on it?


Edited by LilysDad, February 09, 2016 - 01:50 PM.


#1629 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 10, 2016 - 02:39 AM

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
 
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
 
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
 
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
 
Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese!
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
 
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
 
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
 
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer “

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#1630 crittersf1 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 10, 2016 - 08:33 AM

What do you call a bouncer at a GAY bar?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Flame Thrower


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#1631 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 10, 2016 - 10:25 AM

??? I guess I would have to be gay to understand that.



#1632 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 10, 2016 - 12:08 PM

??? I guess I would have to be gay to understand that.


Are you insinuating something?

#1633 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted February 10, 2016 - 01:08 PM

Does anyone other than me ever wonder if some information is waaaay too much information?
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#1634 crittersf1 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 10, 2016 - 03:33 PM

How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?



#1635 Diesel1050 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 10, 2016 - 03:34 PM

Put a nipple on it!
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