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Official Joke Thread


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#1606 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 30, 2016 - 05:13 PM


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Sounds like some of the comments we would give back to the operators when I was in the military and we would get DA2404's with some off the wall problems written down on them.
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#1607 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 31, 2016 - 12:51 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
 
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
 
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
 
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
 
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
 
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
 
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
 
Are - my - test - results - back?"

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#1608 Greasy6020 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 31, 2016 - 11:18 PM

This was posted by a Facebook friend.

"Where is the worst place to pass gas? I was thinking of this this morning...new Lothrop Nazarene church in the back choir pew...during choir on Sunday morning. The noise would reverb off the paneling and shoot forward. The women in the front row would slowly turn, the men would giggle and my father who was leading the choir would give me that stern look while trying to suppress a smile, while receiving looks of daggers from my mother at the piano, as I watched the pastors shoulders shake uncontrollably as he leaned forward trying to suppress a laugh. "

During the silent prayer On a wooden pew. This was probably why the church put up sauna tubes or whatever those echo suppressant half pipe things are... That was my finest one yet

Edited by Greasy6020, January 31, 2016 - 11:21 PM.


#1609 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted February 01, 2016 - 05:32 PM

Question: Is it common for 70+ year olds to have a problem with short term memory storage?


Answer: Storage isn't a problem, retrieval is the problem.
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#1610 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 01, 2016 - 05:48 PM

Storage, retrieval It's all bad, Joyce.


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#1611 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 04, 2016 - 12:15 PM

Click HERE



#1612 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 04, 2016 - 01:55 PM

19697d1454382515-kitchen-help-potatoe.jp


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#1613 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 04, 2016 - 11:14 PM

Click HERE

I get a little bit scared every time you post one of these.


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#1614 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 05, 2016 - 05:58 AM

I get a little bit scared every time you post one of these.

Chicken!  

 

A Mod usually comes in and decodes it for ya's as I don't have the access to make it happen..  Sorry..


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#1615 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted February 05, 2016 - 06:29 AM

Click HERE

One never knows what might pop up on your screen.

#1616 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 06, 2016 - 06:09 PM


 
Drunks and Turttles
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground
rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator
at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated
state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a
gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after
trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on
inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three
bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of
glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of
what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small,
live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once
again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once
more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt.
Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general
direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more
he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker
with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target
and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent
68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another
one of those little crusty meat pies!

Edited by LilysDad, February 06, 2016 - 06:10 PM.

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#1617 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 06, 2016 - 07:20 PM

Always funny when Scott & his buddies come around..  


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#1618 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 06, 2016 - 08:09 PM

12644850_10153907554088464_2021251702893030145_n.jpg

 

12670205_10157147140765377_4856949346222110130_n.jpg


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#1619 HANKG ONLINE  

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Posted February 06, 2016 - 10:07 PM

AFTER HAVING II CHILDREN AN ALABAMIAN COUPLE DECIDED HE AND HIS COUZIN, DIDN'T WANT ANYMORE.

SO THE HUSBAND WENT TO THE VETERINARIAN AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION AND THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM HE COULD HAVE A VASECTOMY BUT IT WAS EXPENSIVE.


AND TOLD HIM OF A MUCH CHEAPER ALTERNATIVE, GO HOME AND GET A CHERRY BOMB LIGHT IT PUT IT IN A EMPTY BEE

R CAN AND HOLD IT NEXT TO YOUR EAR AND COUNT TO TEN. THE ALABAMIEN SAID TO THE DOCTOR I'M NOT THE SHARP

EST TOOL IN THE SHED BUT I DON'T SEE HOW THAT CAN WORK. TRUST ME THE DOC SAYS, SO HE WENT HOME PUT THE CHERRY BOMB IN THE CAN HELD IT TO HIS EAR AND COUNTED ON ONE HAND 1 2 3 4 5 PUT THE CAN BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND COUNTED WITH HIS OTHER HAND 1 2 3 4 5 IT IS SAID TO HAVE WORKED in Ark. Ky. Miss. and parts of Ga.

Edited by HANKG, February 06, 2016 - 10:10 PM.

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#1620 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 08, 2016 - 01:01 AM

Dunham's Super Bowl prediction...


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