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#1591 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted January 26, 2016 - 03:38 PM

Mickey and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Mickey didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

 

But after Mickey hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Mickey lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Mickey, but one day, Bob approached the park and --lo and behold -- there sat Mickey!

 

Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Mickey, what in the world happened to you?'

 

Mickey replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

 

'Well,' Mickey said, 'you know Jane, that cute little bartender/waitress at the restaurant where I sometimes go?'

 

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?'

 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty'.

 

'The danged judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.


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#1592 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2016 - 05:13 AM

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.


She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally
stop working?"


Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."
 


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#1593 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2016 - 07:10 AM

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.


She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally
stop working?"


Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."
 

https://www.facebook...37783776296302/



#1594 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2016 - 07:15 AM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
 
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
 
And last, but not least:
 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

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#1595 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2016 - 07:20 AM

12651003_1016521511767059_5563958121381634950_n.jpg


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#1596 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2016 - 01:58 PM

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
 
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
 
And last, but not least:
 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

 

That was great!



#1597 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 29, 2016 - 06:13 AM

Boys just playing in the MUD

http://youtu.be/ncbx87EVH2c

Edited by MH81, January 29, 2016 - 07:29 AM.


#1598 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted January 30, 2016 - 04:42 PM

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


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#1599 Marty'70 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 30, 2016 - 05:13 PM


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Sounds like some of the comments we would give back to the operators when I was in the military and we would get DA2404's with some off the wall problems written down on them.
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#1600 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 31, 2016 - 12:51 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
 
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
 
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
 
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
 
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
 
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
 
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
 
Are - my - test - results - back?"

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#1601 Greasy6020 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 31, 2016 - 11:18 PM

This was posted by a Facebook friend.

"Where is the worst place to pass gas? I was thinking of this this morning...new Lothrop Nazarene church in the back choir pew...during choir on Sunday morning. The noise would reverb off the paneling and shoot forward. The women in the front row would slowly turn, the men would giggle and my father who was leading the choir would give me that stern look while trying to suppress a smile, while receiving looks of daggers from my mother at the piano, as I watched the pastors shoulders shake uncontrollably as he leaned forward trying to suppress a laugh. "

During the silent prayer On a wooden pew. This was probably why the church put up sauna tubes or whatever those echo suppressant half pipe things are... That was my finest one yet

Edited by Greasy6020, January 31, 2016 - 11:21 PM.


#1602 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted February 01, 2016 - 05:32 PM

Question: Is it common for 70+ year olds to have a problem with short term memory storage?


Answer: Storage isn't a problem, retrieval is the problem.
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#1603 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted February 01, 2016 - 05:48 PM

Storage, retrieval It's all bad, Joyce.


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#1604 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 04, 2016 - 12:15 PM

Click HERE



#1605 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted February 04, 2016 - 01:55 PM

19697d1454382515-kitchen-help-potatoe.jp


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