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#1576 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2016 - 04:49 PM

A cigarette is just like a squirrel, it's completely harmless until you stick it in your mouth and set fire to it.


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#1577 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2016 - 05:23 PM

I think there is a snow blower version for people with dandruff.

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#1578 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2016 - 05:53 PM

A cigarette is just like a squirrel, it's completely harmless until you stick it in your mouth and set fire to it.


I'm afraid to ask how you know this.
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#1579 jpackard56 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2016 - 07:57 PM

I'm afraid to ask how you know this.

Yep, I'm kinda wondering where one would garner this bit of wisdom ? When I read that I pictured a movie my kids have of when a squirrel was given coffee and it goes completely off its nut.


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#1580 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2016 - 09:21 PM

Yep, I'm kinda wondering where one would garner this bit of wisdom ? When I read that I pictured a movie my kids have of when a squirrel was given coffee and it goes completely off its nut.


This one?
http://youtu.be/g3Lp0irIU3Q
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#1581 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2016 - 12:12 AM

Very active imagination and too much time on my hands? You'll never really know, will you, braaaaahhh ha ha ha !


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#1582 jpackard56 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2016 - 10:18 AM

Yes, that is the one !!

 

This one?

 

 

Very active imagination and too much time on my hands? You'll never really know, will you, braaaaahhh ha ha ha !


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#1583 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2016 - 08:10 PM

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their childr en's f ailing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.The outgoing message:"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2* To complain about what we do - Press 3* To swear at staff members - Press 4* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9* To complain about school lunches - Press 0* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country."
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#1584 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2016 - 08:29 PM

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their childr en's f ailing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.The outgoing message:"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2* To complain about what we do - Press 3* To swear at staff members - Press 4* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9* To complain about school lunches - Press 0* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country."

I wish this is the world we lived in, unfortunately... it's not.

http://www.snopes.co...e/palisades.asp

My first clue was this was in CA


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#1585 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2016 - 08:47 PM

Does it matter?
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#1586 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 25, 2016 - 02:23 AM

Does it matter?


No, I laughed

I just wish it were true :D
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#1587 BNK OFFLINE  

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Posted January 25, 2016 - 10:20 PM

When does the goose have the most feather's ?
*When the gander is on top...
What goes all day long and of a night sleeps under it's own bed with it's tongue hangin out?
*A wagon.
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#1588 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 26, 2016 - 07:16 AM

Attorneys and THAT 9 month thing

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan, headed north and after driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. Unable to go any further, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack replied, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way, enjoying a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, uhhh... happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!, Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
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#1589 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted January 26, 2016 - 01:39 PM

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

 

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

 

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

 

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

 

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

 

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

 

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

 

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

 

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."


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#1590 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted January 26, 2016 - 02:22 PM

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

 

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

 

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

 

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

 

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

 

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

 

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill... '

 

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

 

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

 

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

 

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

 

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

 

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

 

So God explained that to him, too.

 

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

 

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

 

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez... '

 

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

 

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

 

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

 

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

 

And Adam said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'What's a headache?'


Edited by OldBuzzard, January 26, 2016 - 02:23 PM.

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