Posted January 16, 2016 - 08:46 AM
Funny old jokes.
Found these in a list of older, funny one-liners. A couple made me smile.
. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?''
I said, ''I'm busy on Tuesdays and Thursdays"
. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
. Two antennas meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
. Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. '
'Is it common?' I asked. 'Well... It's not unusual' he replied.
. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
. A man walks into a bar with a roll of asphalt under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
. I was in WalMart and I saw this man and woman wrapped head to toe in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
. I was having dinner in an Italian restaurant with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
. I bet on a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
. A seal walks into a club...
It’s the World Series Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind home plate. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
wvbuzzmaster, KennyP, Username and 1 other said thanks