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Official Joke Thread


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#1546 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 13, 2016 - 06:16 PM

Tea without sugar is vegetable soup


Cornbread with sugar is just cake.
'Mark Lowry'
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#1547 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 14, 2016 - 09:40 PM

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#1548 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 14, 2016 - 11:05 PM

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#1549 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2016 - 05:07 AM

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#1550 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2016 - 07:45 AM

 

Guess I am a darn good grinder! :rolling:  :rolling:


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#1551 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2016 - 04:28 PM


Subject: Yearly Dementia Test




Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?






Answer: "bread." If you said "toast,"
give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?





Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?




Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet overGermany (If you will recall, German y at the time was politically divided into West Germany and E ast Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the sur vivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?








Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus . In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?







Answer: Oh, fo r crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!




95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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#1552 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2016 - 05:21 PM

That was great.



#1553 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2016 - 12:47 AM

Does getting them all right mean I don't have dementia, or am I just lucky?


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#1554 jpackard56 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2016 - 07:26 AM

Does getting them all right mean I don't have dementia, or am I just lucky?

Maybe you are a very good listener :thumbs:


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#1555 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2016 - 08:46 AM

Funny old jokes.
Found these in a list of older, funny one-liners. A couple made me smile.

. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?''
I said, ''I'm busy on Tuesdays and Thursdays"

. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

. Two antennas meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

. Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. '
'Is it common?' I asked. 'Well... It's not unusual' he replied.

. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

. A man walks into a bar with a roll of asphalt under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

. I was in WalMart and I saw this man and woman wrapped head to toe in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''


. I was having dinner in an Italian restaurant with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


. I bet on a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''


. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.


. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

. A seal walks into a club...

It’s the World Series Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind home plate. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
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#1556 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2016 - 10:05 AM

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#1557 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 16, 2016 - 10:18 AM

A lady goes to see the doctor.
He asks her what's wrong and she answers that she just doesn't feel very energetic.
He examines her and finds a raspberry in one nostril, a pickle in the other and a full sized carrot in her ear.
She asks the doctor if he knows what's wrong and he says "Well, for starters, you're not eating right"
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#1558 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2016 - 02:49 PM

Chicken business
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch s bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and taking advantage of them when they weren't paying attention?
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#1559 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2016 - 09:39 PM


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#1560 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2016 - 09:57 PM

Too bad the person has a fine piece of machinery and all he can do is burn up his tires spinning in circles on a country road.
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