Official Joke Thread
Posted January 09, 2016 - 09:43 PM
- diesel nut, EricR and oldedeeres have said thanks
Posted January 10, 2016 - 12:16 AM
The fact that there's a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic statistics.
- oldedeeres and 637Yeoman have said thanks
Posted January 12, 2016 - 06:18 AM
Two sailors are on shore leave after 6 months at sea. Late that night they decide to visit a brothel.
They are completely soused at this point so the madam tells her girls to give them blow-up dolls as they won't know the difference.
Later, they are walking back to base when one sailor tells the other, "I think my girl was dead. She just lay there the whole time!".
The other says "I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. When I rolled her over and, bit her on the a$$, she farted in my face then flew out the window!"
- wvbuzzmaster, KennyP, adamjd200 and 2 others have said thanks
Posted January 12, 2016 - 06:21 AM
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
That must've been scary," says the teacher.
"It sure was," says the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'"
"And before he could say '****!' the rottweiler ate him!"
- Bruce Dorsi, KennyP, diesel nut and 4 others have said thanks
Posted January 12, 2016 - 08:06 AM
That is one of my favorite jokes right there...
Posted January 13, 2016 - 09:15 AM
- MH81 said thank you
Posted January 13, 2016 - 06:06 PM
While at work, I got a call from my wife "Your 4 year old daughter just took a permanent marker and drew a line all the way down the hall to the bathroom"
Being the problem solving type, I said ""Try alcohol, that should take care of it"
My beloved spouse said....
"I don't think I can drink that much....."
- MH81, KennyP, EricR and 5 others have said thanks
Posted January 13, 2016 - 06:16 PM
Tea without sugar is vegetable soup
Cornbread with sugar is just cake.
- Greasy6020 said thank you
Posted January 14, 2016 - 09:40 PM
- KennyP, oldedeeres and adamjd200 have said thanks
Posted January 14, 2016 - 11:05 PM
- WNYTractorTinkerer and oldedeeres have said thanks
Posted January 15, 2016 - 04:28 PM
Subject: Yearly Dementia Test
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast,"
give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet overGermany (If you will recall, German y at the time was politically divided into West Germany and E ast Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the sur vivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus . In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, fo r crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
95% of people fail most of the questions!!
- MH81, wvbuzzmaster, KennyP and 7 others have said thanks
Posted January 15, 2016 - 05:21 PM
That was great.
Posted January 16, 2016 - 12:47 AM
Does getting them all right mean I don't have dementia, or am I just lucky?
- MH81, jpackard56 and Marty'70 have said thanks