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Official Joke Thread


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#1516 petrj6 ONLINE  

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Posted December 29, 2015 - 12:17 PM

No one is that stupid!! My side hurts from laughing and I only watched a few minutes of it.
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#1517 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted December 29, 2015 - 02:07 PM

That guy makes some good videos..I have watched a few of them,Always a good laugh!



#1518 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2015 - 07:59 AM

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes……there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.
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#1519 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2015 - 06:10 PM

10629855_1720099994893781_632975192761695366_n.jpg

 

10985172_10153678493623023_2612811527910114681_n.jpg


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#1520 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted December 31, 2015 - 01:32 AM

12342532_1099717666733603_703303440817791139_n.jpg


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#1521 Jazz ONLINE  

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Posted December 31, 2015 - 07:34 AM

IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

The first man married a woman from England . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man married a woman from Spain He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By
the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything again, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. 

He still has some difficulty when he pees.


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#1522 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted December 31, 2015 - 07:42 AM

attachicon.gif12342532_1099717666733603_703303440817791139_n.jpg


Printing this out and leaving it on my wife's pillow :rolling:
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#1523 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted December 31, 2015 - 10:59 AM

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Be A Mother

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55 gallon drum of LEGOs (if LEGOs are not available, you may (substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus (they turn bright red when they are unhappy). Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test:

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ten of the beans.

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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#1524 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted December 31, 2015 - 11:48 AM

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Be A Mother

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55 gallon drum of LEGOs (if LEGOs are not available, you may (substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus (they turn bright red when they are unhappy). Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test:

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ten of the beans.

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

That's a great one, Alan!


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#1525 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted December 31, 2015 - 05:54 PM

That's a great one, Alan!


Also very true. My wife is a saint. I work out of town a lot so she frequently is alone with them.

I would of ran down the road screaming like a mad man by now
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#1526 Greasy6020 ONLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2016 - 12:11 PM

Here's a good one.

3S rule Shoot Shovel Shut up. Excellent pest control
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#1527 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted January 02, 2016 - 06:12 AM

Printing this out and leaving it on my wife's pillow :rolling:

" first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything again, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,"


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#1528 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 02, 2016 - 07:21 AM

1933948_1001528946599649_231966742533922731_n.jpg


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#1529 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 02, 2016 - 08:26 AM

" first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything again, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,"


Actually, it may have had a semi-positive effect.
That, or she realized she was out of tomorrows to say "maybe" about.
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#1530 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted January 02, 2016 - 08:50 AM

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for your car?
Driver: It's not my vehicle. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That is where I put the gun after I shot the owner of the car and put her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Upon hearing this the officer immediately call his captain on his radio. The car is quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the tense situation himself.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
The captain checks it and verifies it is valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The captain checks this too and the driver owns the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there is no gun in there.
Sure enough the captain finds no gun in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told that there is a body in there.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened; and of course there is no body inside.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? Well I'll bet that liar told you I was speeding too.


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